Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent‏

The best part of this movie, and believe me when I say best, is that it is a short film.  The producers may have been on a budget and couldn't afford too many special effects.  I don't know, but ... it is best that this movie is only 76 minutes long.

 

When you draw a picture with this special voodoo pen, what you draw becomes true.  But only circumstances involving revenge.  So when a young boy witnesses his dad being mean to his mom and then draws a picture of his dad being eaten by a half alligator/half snake, it actually happens.

 

In a similar instance, a Bronco full of college kids who want to get drunk at a camp, strike and kill a man's wife when the driver decides to look at the rump of his buddy's girl instead of watching the road.  Of course, the man draws a picture of the Bronco being eaten by the snake-gator, instead of calling any police or anything.

 

The digital snake-gator will continue to kill until the revenge is complete.  If there is one person drawn, one person killed.  And so forth.  But the voodoo pen, the paper, and the digital snake-gator are all intertwined.  To stop the killing, you must destroy the paper and the pen.  And the only way to destroy the pen and paper is to have the stomach acid of the digital snake-gator destroy it.

 

It's a bit weak, but what do you expect for 76 minutes of a movie?  Not enough gore.  Not enough action.  Not enough senseless violence.  I still can't get past the 76 minutes, sorry.

 

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 lift kits on a Bronco.

Star Runners

Another actor with a return visit to Medusa's Face, Todd Jensen.  You may remember him from Bats: Human Harvest.  Something tells me that this will not be the last time that he visits 'the Face'.  Same goes for Velizar Binev.  They might not be household names in the world of trilogies or prequels, but in the B movie circle, they are probably well known.

 

In this yawner, two guys avoid going to jail by performing a task for the military of the United Planets.  They get the cargo, which is a girl, and take a transport to get back to the space fleet of the military.  Why they didn't just take their own ship, I don't know.  Seems like that would have been the better solution.  But they didn't, and the transport that they are on is in danger of being hijacked.  After a small skirmish and crash landing, everyone lands on a planet that has these large space termites.

 

After battling the space termites and learning that the cargo girl is some sort of super human, they get off the planet and deal with the military fleet.  It's all explained at the end about how the regular humans needed to kill off the super humans.  Something about keeping the peace.  I forget.  And you will too.

 

The digital space termites are terrible.  There is little to no action.  And of course they have the seizure cam when fighting the termites.  I really don't see the need to have the camera put on a trampoline when filming action sequences.

 

In short, skip this movie.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 plasma pistols.

Warbirds

"Justice has been done."  Words to describe the killing of Osama Bin Laden.  Terrorist leader of al Qaeda.  Not words to describe the people who put the green light to the movie Warbirds.

First of all, let me acknowledge that this is just a movie.  It is not to represent actual events that occurred during World War II.  Besides all of the insubordination given to the colonel by the crew, the secret mission that the colonel is taking is compromised when the B-29 skipper decides to find out, at gun point, the colonel's mission.  It's an atomic bomb by the way.

Long story short, the Japanese are on a remote island in the Pacific.  They find a cave/nest with some dinosaur eggs in it.  The flying dinosaurs hatch and begin attacking them.  Three months later, a storm forces the B-29 to land on the island and the crew have to battle the Japanese and the dinosaurs.  The story is weak.  The acting is weak.  The dialog is weak.  Unless you think that lines like, "You just got your ass kicked by a girl," count as dialog.

Nothing redeeming about this movie.  The digital effects are par, but nothing spectacular.  The skipper in charge of the flight crew attempts to be tough and smart, yet she immediately divulges information to the enemy.  And after she learns about the atomic bomb that she is transporting, her thoughts are for the (hundreds of) thousands of people that will be killed in the explosion.  It's a thoughtful sentiment, but ending WW II is much more important.  No offense lady, but bigger picture.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 flying dinosaurs shot with flare guns.

Alien Agent

Our friend from I Am Omega, Mark Dacascos, has made his way back to Medusa's Face with this movie.  And with him comes Billy Zane, from The Mad.  And I know what you are thinking, ... so what.  I don't know.  It's always nice to see some familiar faces.

 

Aliens need to destroy mankind so that they can inhabit Earth.  The alien planet that they currently live on is out of water.  So some rebels have made their way here and they will stop at nothing to be able to transport more aliens to Earth so that they can take over the world and bring all of the other aliens here.  Except for one thing.  Rykker, Mark Dacascos, is one of the good aliens and he has been sent here to stop the rebels.

 

Of course the rebels can care less about any humans in their way, so they go on a killing spree when they are out taking the materials that they need to create the portal.  Rykker is always hot on their trail and has these special bullets to use when he needs to kill one of his fellow aliens.  Oh, .. and the aliens are like some sort of parasite.  They can only be killed by the special bullets.

 

Just know this, ... the storyline is not that terrible and the only thing worth watching in the whole movie is when Rykker bursts through a wall and begins fighting the troops that are out to get him.  Other than that, it is pretty much B movie boredom.  The action is average, same for the acting.  Nothing to memorable about the movie.  Even the gratuitous nudity is not anything spectacular.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 prime rib dinners at Kelly's Diner.

Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of Romasanta‏

When I first read the title to this movie, I thought that it was going to be about a person who hunted werewolves.  Instead, it is a story of a werewolf who acts as a hunter.  Either way, it was not that bad of a movie.

 

The year is 1851.  Manuel is a simple vendor who travels from town to town, selling his material.  What he sells is not that important.  He rarely settles down is all that you need to know.  At a town that he has visited, there has been a rash of wolf attacks.  Plus, several people have been missing and it is assumed that they have been attacked by the wolves.

 

Manuel has the help of three sisters at a farm that he visits.  The oldest sister thinks that the middle sister, Barbara, is trying to steal Manuel from her and goes off with Manuel on one of his trading adventures.  She takes the youngest sister with her, leaving Barbara to manage the farm by herself.  But Manuel, being a werewolf, kills the two sisters.  Barbara realizes that something is wrong, and with the aide of a stranger and the authorities, they are able to capture Manuel and put him on trial for the murders of fifteen people.  The trial is suspended and while Manuel is under custody, he is (SPOILER ALERT) stabbed in his cell by Barbara.

 

The storyline is a good one.  Possibly because it is based on a true story.  But the gore level is at a minimum.  There is a scene that shows the transformation from wolf to man that is terrible.  Totally not needed in the movie.  Not a lot (if any) of digital effects in the movie, which is a plus for me too.

 

For the most part, it is a good movie and worth the watch.  If you were thinking like I was before seeing the movie that it was about hunting werewolves, try watching something else.

 

I give this movie 3 out of 5 silver daggers.

Banshee!!!

Yes.  With three exclamation points.  It might be because of the banshee scream being so loud or it might be because two exclamation points just wasn't enough.

 

Way back in 1970, three guys are getting high and watching TV.  They need to go on a grocery run and on their way, the woman that they were just watching on the TV is in the middle of the road.  So they pick her up.  But she is now what she appears to be and when the radio gets turned on, the frequency disrupts her disguise and she is the banshee.  She rips the guys to shreds and they crash into a lake.  The crash scene is pretty funny to me.  It's almost as if the producer didn't want to wreck the car, so it's a digital wreck.

 

Present day and the car is found.  The person who finds the car, Jack Gorman (Kevin Shea), is a scrap dealer and when he opens up the trunk, the banshee is released.  If you watched Attack of the Sasquatch, you will remember Kevin Shea as the hunter with the eye patch.  The banshee begins her havoc when a group of college kids show up for spring break.  Which is good, because we need some victims.  And they provide for some cool death scenes.  Being speared in the mouth, guts being eaten, heads ripped in half, torsos removed from the legs, ... all sorts of awesome gore litter this movie.

 

Jack's nephew, Rocker (oh yeah), gets in a few guitar licks too.  Towards the end of the movie, they figure out that the frequency from the guitar affects the banshee.  And Rocker becomes a rocking god on the front lawn to try and help kill the banshee.  The only problem that I had with this movie was the terrible ending.  It was wretched!!!  But other than that, it was not that bad of a B movie.

 

I give this movie 3 out of 5 electric guitars.

My Name is Bruce

Bruce Campbell has made a name for himself with some of the best B movies out there.  So he decided to direct a movie that spoofs the typecast that he became.

 

It's got all of the classic scenes you would expect from a good B movie.  The bad costumes, the decapitations, and a far fetched demon that has a simple weakness.  It all starts with four teenagers who begin breaking stuff in an old graveyard.  One of the teenagers, Jeff, takes an item from a grave that he shouldn't have taken.  The item belongs to Guan-Di, the Chinese God of War and Protector of the Dead, who also happens to have a soft spot for bean curd.

 

Bruce Campbell happens to be working on another film close by.  Jeff idolizes Bruce and wants him to help defeat Guan-Di.  Like some fans, Jeff has blurred reality with movies and thinks that Bruce Campbell is more like one of the characters that he played than a person in real life.  Bruce however, thinks that it is a stunt by his agent for a birthday surprise, so he plays along.

 

Bruce dashes the dreams of everyone in the town of Goldlick, including his number one fan.  But then redeems himself by coming back to fight Guan-Di.

 

It's a lovable laugh at the B movies that Bruce Campbell has made.  It's not necessary to have viewed a Bruce Campbell movie prior to viewing this one, but it would help greatly if you have prior experience with Bruce.

 

I give this movie 3 1/2 out of 5 BC 5000 chainsaws.