Piranha (2010)

Oh, baby.  You want blood?  Done.  You want guts?  Done.  You want gratuitous nudity?  Double done.  Everything that a B movie lover loves and then some.

Spring break at Lake Victoria means one thing, plenty of co-eds out to get drunk and wiggle.  Too bad one drunk fisherman had a beer bottle go overboard to let loose these prehistoric piranha.  Yep.  One stinkin' beer bottle.

It really doesn't matter that one beer bottle helped cause a seismic event that released several of these ancient fish.  What matters is that there are several naked women and plenty of COOL DEATH SCENES.  The COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS come fast at the end.   One girl gets sliced in two from a snapped tension cable.  Another gets her face ripped off after her hair gets caught in a boat propeller.  Eyeballs getting chewed out of their sockets, people being ripped in half, flesh chewed off down to the bone, and the list goes on and on.

I didn't even get to mention about the Wild Girls Gone Wild or whatever they called it in the movie.  All you need to know is that the wild girls get pretty wild.

The ending is the only part of the movie that was lacking.  Other than that, sit back and enjoy the carnage.

I give this movie 5 out of 5 tequila body shots.

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep

The Kraken is a legendary sea monster that may have been confused with a giant squid.  It doesn't have to be a six armed sea creature that terrorizes Greeks.  However, I will always think of the kraken being released by Poseidon whenever I think of the kraken.  You can think of the squid.

Here is the short, short version of the story: girl needs to find a rock and a mask, gets help from a hunky guy, they meet a bad guy along the way, squid food, dead squid.  Digital squid aside, this movie lacks a lot.  At first when I saw the first victim get thrashed about by the squid, I thought things would be okay.  And even the second and third victims.  The third victim even gets decapitated.  But after the third victim meets the squid, it is a long time before any real action happens.

I was bored with this movie real quick.  Lack of blood.  Lack of digital squid.  Lack of a good story.  And even when they tried to sex it up and have a woman in a bikini, it still wasn't all that sexy.

What's his name from Glee is in this movie.  Yes.  I watch Glee.  Is that so wrong?  Of course it is, what am I thinking.

I give this movie 0 out 5 calamari dinners.

Valhalla Rising

I like B movies that have over the top violence and gore.  This movie has that criteria covered.  Especially the violence.  I also like movies with a plot and a story.  Two items lacking with this film.

If you want to see a skull get bashed in or a head placed on a pike or even a man's intestines ripped out of his torso, then by all means ... watch this movie.  Over half of this movie is without dialog.  So after you get to see the ultra violence, be prepared for several minutes of people walking around a field or stuck on a boat, because you are going to get a lot more of the walking and the boat riding than the throat slicing.

Seriously.  This movie was one volleyball away from being like that Tom Hanks movie.

The ultra brutal violence is not enough to watch this movie more than once.  And even once was hard enough.  I recommend fast forwarding until you see blood or agony, watch that scene, then fast forward again.  You might be finished in less than 15 minutes.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 arrowheads.

The Phantom

This was a two part movie about the beginnings of a crime fighting super hero with ancient ties.  Even though it takes a long time to set up, it's not that bad of a movie.  The action scenes take a long time to set up and there is a twist ending that was rather predictable, but other than that, not a bad waste of time.

Dating back to 1530s, which is like the Bronze Age or something, this guy's boat got ambushed by pirates.  He was the only survivor and he decided right there that he would fight for justice.  Enter in the secret society of whatever to help The Phantom get the job done.  The pirates also have a secret society to plunder, pillage, and do all around pirate things.

Modern day ... a new The Phantom is recruited to go after the secret society of the pirates.  He has all the resources of someone like a Bruce Wayne and a hot redheaded girlfriend like Peter Parker.  The parallels are obvious.

Bottom line is this, action scenes are few and far between.  Blood is at a minimum, but it is understandable since this is supposed to be about a crime fighting super hero and most of them don't spill too much blood on the television.  I admit, this is not exactly the B movie that Medusa's Face normally reviews, but I was 20 minutes in and decided to finish it.

It's just way too long for me.  I don't mind movies that are a little longer than 2 hours and I really liked that they broke this one up into two parts, but it took way too long to set up his girlfriend.  Then it took way too long to set up the lead character to become The Phantom.  Then it took way too long for The Phantom's objective to be set up.  They could have cut out a lot of scenes and made it into one 2 hour showing for me.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 cable boxes.

Monster Ark

There are so many things wrong with this movie, I have a hard time trying to explain it.  Besides ripping of several movies, the digital demon, "The Darkness" is terrible.  Really terrible.

You know that movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark?  What about The DaVinci Code?  Well, think of this movie as a mash-up of the two of them.  And throw in a little National Treasure too.  It's all over the place.

An archaeological dig has discovered the Book of Genesis.  In the original scrolls, there is talk of another ark build by Noah.  The ark that is to banish The Darkness, because it is not supposed to live with mankind.  This university professor finds the scrolls, finds the ark, and also finds the staff of Noah all in the matter of days.  Movie magic aside, it all happens way too quick and convenient for me.

The demon is a whole other matter.  While it does have some pretty good kill shots, there is something missing with it.  I don't know.  It has some killer instincts, but it misses a lot of easy kills.  I thought that it could have been a little better of a villain.  Oh, and the ending sucks too.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 gold amulets.

Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

This is either one of the worst horror movies or the worst attempt at being a funny horror film.  But at least it has some of the criteria that I love here at Medusa's Face.  Buckets of blood and over the top violence.  And veteran Medusa's Face alumni, Kevin Shea, who you remember from Assault of the Sasquatch and Banshee!!!

The story is a little slow and slightly confusing, but it's worth the blood and gore that happens later in the film.  The werewolf, which is more like a Yettie, starts out early and kills a couple of men before being crated up and shipped to ... I have no idea where.  Good thing the shipment is mixed up and delivered to this special effects studio.  Otherwise, we would never know what happened to the werewolf.

Things to look out for in this movie: several decapitations, a woman is sawed in half, a man who has both his arms ripped off - also has his head stomped to bits, legs being ripped off, interracial sex, and to top it all off, a racist joke about fireworks and Chinese people.  The only thing this movie is missing is nudity or partial nudity.  It's got everything else that I love in bad B movies.

The fireworks ending is silly, but then again, most of the movies that have been reviewed on Medusa's Face have that same flaw.

I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 raccoons.

Snakehead Terror

Here is another fantastic movie with lots of blood, lots of over-the-top mayhem, and human growth hormones.  Bruce Boxleitner, of Tron fame, is the sheriff and Carol Alt is also in the movie.  Throw in Medusa's Face alumni Chelan Simmons, from Ice Twisters and Malibu Shark Attack, just for good measure.

This small lake town had a problem in the past.  Snakehead fish were introduced to the lake by accident and began eating all of the other species of fish that were indigenous to the lake.  To kill off the snakehead population, a poison was introduced to the lake to kill them off.  Which also killed off any remaining indigenous fish.

Enter in the local coroner and bait shop brothers who have taken it upon themselves to help repopulate the lake by adding human growth hormones.  The hormones were supposed to be a catalyst to help the indigenous fish, but instead, helped the snakeheads.  And boy howdy, did it ever help them.  One of the snakeheads has grown the size of a whale.

Let's cut to the chase.  Here is what you need to know:  1) lots of large fish that can also walk in land, 2) these fish are capable of decapitating a human (or several), 3) one of the funniest ways to get a killer fish off of your arm is to hold it over the moving propeller of your beached fishing boat.

This movie uses digital fish as well as foam rubber fish throughout the movie.  You all know that I love it when foam rubber villains make their way onto the screen.  And this movie has some classic moments.  About the only thing this movie is missing is some gratuitous nudity or a performance such as Holly Weber's in Supergator.  Oh, how she did perform in that movie.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 electric fishing guns.