Boa vs. Python

We begin with the Royal Reptile Rumble in the square circle and two masked wrestlers.  Python and Boa.  Two men who have absolutely nothing to do with this movie.  We are concerned with one of the men in the audience who is expecting a large "package" to be delivered.  That package is an 80 ft. python.

 

The package has other ideas and breaks free from the 18 wheeler hauling it and gets into a Philadelphia Water and Power facility.  The local officials are called to the scene and so is the FBI.  Agent Sharp finds a large scale and after consulting with another agent, they conclude that this might have something to do with a botched CIA project.  "And get me Monica Bond!"

 

For a person who is associated with the Miami Aquatic Research Institute, Monica Bond sure does like to hang around women in bikinis.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  After a time filler to show that she can hold her breath underwater, she gets transported to the Longreen Snake Reserve in Elkins, WV to meet Dr. Emmett.  Dr. Emmett is one of the nation's leading reptologists.  He has also grown a large Scarlet Queen Boa.

 

Broddick, the guy expecting the package, begins to welcome his guests.  Tex (from Lubbock), Mr. Foley (the greatest military sniper), Mr. Danner and his son James, and Littlefield (master huntsman).  They are planning to hunt down the 80 ft. python for sport.  To the hunt!

 

Basically, Team Broddick is out to kill the python and Team FBI is going to deploy the boa to hunt the python, only neither of the two camps know that the other one is on the case.  Yet.  FUNNY LINE ALERT: Mr. Danner to his son, "God, I hate you."

 

The two snakes end up at the water facility and everybody dukes it out.  Big guns, expensive tracking technology, and flooding are all used to try and stop these two large snakes.  The boa wins the battle of the snakes and now the researchers need to find the boa.  So there could be a sequel, but it wouldn't have Broddick there to rip his shirt off.  So I don't know how it could be as good as this one.

 

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 Broddicks

Mega Python vs. Gatoriod

We haven't had a "mega" movie title in a few days, so wait no more.  On second thought, you might want to wait some more.

Things to look out for in this film:
1) A massive python eats a moving train.  MOVING train.
2) Tiffany to Debbie Gibson, "I think we're alone now."
3) Response of Debbie Gibson to Tiffany, "There doesn't seem to be anyone around."
4) There is an 80's style montage where the snakes and gators grow larger.  Yes, it is set to music.  No, they do not pump iron.  They just grow larger.  To music.  Possibly Tiffany.  Possibly Debbie Gibson.  Definitely bad.

Basic plot: Debbie Gibson releases some pythons into the Florida everglades where they grow large enough to swallow trains.  Tiffany combats the snake problem by feeding anabolic steroids to a group of alligators in order to have nature balance itself out.

Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Except having someone okay this film.

I give it 1/2 out of 5 gator eggs.  Even the horrible "cat fight" scene between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson is awful.  At least Debbie could have ripped Tiffany's dress to make her massive cleavage pop out.