Shark Swarm

Earlier, I reviewed a movie with "Luke Duke" (The Hive).  This movie has "Bo Duke" (John Schneider).  Now all I need to o is find a good movie with Catherine Bach and I will have a trio of the Dukes from Hazzard County.

Shark Swarm is a movie that is about building condominiums.  You wouldn't think it by the title.  The evil real estate mogul, Hamilton Lux, wants to build ocean view property in the little town of Full Moon Bay.  He has been paying the people of the town a handsome price for their properties.  But Bo Duke doesn't want to sell.  He wants to try and preserve the way of life of the town.

The problem is that the condemed power plant has been leaking waste into the bay and killing off all of the fish.  No fish, no fishermen, no way of life.  And as an added bonus, the sharks in the area have become more aggressive and are also schooling together to attack people.

I'd like to be able to tell you about the solution to this movie, but it is a "to be continued" movie.  I guess there is a Shark Swarm 2 out there.  It probably lacks in fake blood and has rubber sharks on beaches just like this movie.  The sequel will probably introduce characters whose only contribution to the film is to become a shark attack victim, just like this movie.  And it will probably have an environmental undertone, just like this movie.

Let me save you the trouble.  The evil Hamilton Lux will get his just deserts and Bo Duke will be fishing once again in the Bay.  Doesn't everybody feel better?

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 shark teeth.

Dinoshark

What's better than having a prehistoric shark being brought back to life?  No, seriously.  What is better?

 

On the Alaskan coast, a glacier calves and releases several tadpoles from the ice into the water.  Only they are not tadpoles, they are mini-sharks.  Hey, I don't write them, I just watch them.

 

Fast forward three years.  And change the scenery to Puerto Vallarta.

 

Trace, who grew up in the area, but hasn't lived there for a while, returns to find his old friends are still hanging out at the same bar.  They introduce Trace to a new member of the group, Carol, who is a teacher at the local international school.  She teaches environmental science with a focus on aquatic ecosystems.  Lucky for us.  If she wasn't conveniently plopped into the group, where would we get our insight from on the dinoshark?

 

Several people are eaten.  Several boats and kayaks are destroyed.  The kills by the dinoshark are pretty weak.  Although, there is one scene where the dinoshark munches on one couple and there is a splatter of blood that reaches the camera lens.  That was pretty cool.

 

When the first attempt to coral the dinoshark fails, the local sheriff declares, "Dinoshark season is officially open."  Big words, but the dinoshark breaches the water and takes down the force's helicopter.

 

Long story short, the only way to kill the creature is to shoot it in the eye and that happens.  But at the end of the movie, they show another glacier calving and more dinoshark tadpoles moving in the water.  So is this the end of dinoshark or not?

 

I think that someone lost a bet and wanted a vacation in Puerto Vallarta, if you ask me.

 

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 water polo players.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Made for television movies are a hit or miss.  The nice ones that try to teach the kids a lesson and then there are movies like this one, starring Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Llamas.  Deborah Gibson, a.k.a. Debbie Gibson, is a marine biologist that has stolen a mini-sub to do some research in northern waters.  Unbeknown  to her, she witnesses these two creatures locked in an epic battle, but frozen in solid ice.

There is a situation that unleashed the Mega Shark and the Giant Octopus from their frozen jail and they are once again free to roam the waters of the world.  But don't get worried, Debbie Gibson is on the case.

The team of marine biologists and naval vessels try to lure the creatures with pheromones so that they can possibly be destroyed.  There is a scene where they are trying to come up with the chemical to lure the creatures is fabulously ridiculous.  The pheromones work, but they cannot destroy either one.  So they have to go with more drastic measures, have the Mega Shark battle the Giant Octopus in a one on one death match to the finish.  Obviously, the team doesn't think about the possibilities of what to do with the winner.  Do I smell a sequel?  Jeez!  I hope not.

Unreal destruction: C-
While the Mega Shark jumped out of the ocean to catch a jumbo jet in mid flight and also chomped the Golden Gate Bridge, the quality of the destruction was just brutally low.  In fact, I have just given two of the four major destruction scenes away.

Violence: F-
None to speak of.  Human casualties at a minimum.

Unneeded Sex: D
While there was a scene of totally unnecessary sex, there was no nudity.


This movie fails on every level.  The friggin' octopus was such a disappointment.  Same for the shark, but at least the shark ate part of the Golden Gate Bridge.

I give it 1 out of 5 giant octopus

Malibu Shark Attack

Malibu Shark Attack might be the worst movie that I have ever seen.  Even if this "movie" would have had some gratuitous nudity, it wouldn't have been worth watching. 

The movie was just so wretchedly awful.  Why did I watch the whole thing?  I was hoping that there would have been some cool death scene where one of the sharks would have jumped out of the water and got hit by a flying steamroller or something.  It just wasn't my day.
There is a point where one of the characters is hip deep in water, walking on a flooded pier towards a building.  He sees the dorsal fin behind him and begins this sort of speed walking away from the shark.  He is walking.  The shark is, well, a shark.  And somehow the guy manages to escape into a tool shed.  Then he gets a chainsaw and begins slicing the shark.  By this description, you would think that the scene is pretty good.  But the reality of it is that he is just randomly stabbing at the water with a chainsaw with some splashing going on around him.  It's just so ... bad.

I give it 0 out of 5 Malibu Sharks.