Hillside Cannibals

I don't know what kind of sales pitch was used to get this film made, but it must have been a doozy.  It was either a great sales pitch or someone blackmailed someone else into making this movie.  Seriously.  If you don't believe me, try watching this one.

Two couples and an additional girl are out in a remote area to go cave diving.  The five of them set up camp and things get a little loose right away.  While one couple makes out, the other couple decides to go off, .. to make out, and the odd girl out sits there and smokes some weed.  The weed girl hears a noise and goes to investigate.  While she is gone, the couple that stayed gets a visit by the cannibals that live in the area.  Crash.  Boom.  Bam.  Those two die.  Then the weed girl dies.  All rather quickly.

The couple that was away from the camp site comes back and gets attacked as well.  Not too bad as far as action in the first few minutes of the movie.  The boyfriend gets knocked out and brought back to the cannibal cave, while the redhead girlfriend escapes.  Don't worry, some other unassuming victims will be added in later just so that the cannibals have someone else to attack.

The cannibals are an odd bunch.  Apparently, to become the leader of the cannibal tribe, you have to cut the face off of the old leader and wear it like a second skin.  That happens more than once in the movie.

Point of interest:  When one of the female cannibals wants the MP3 player that one of the male cannibals is listening to, she tries to seduce him so that she can get his toy.  I thought that was funny.

Over the top violence: B-
Buckets of blood: C+
Graphic blood and guts: A-
Understandable plot: F

I don't recommend watching this movie.  Not even as a joke.  Unless you like primitive drum beats.  Because the sound track is nothing but primitive drum beats.  I was even shaking my hips a little while watching the movie.  That was how much I was interested in what I was viewing.  I was more interested in the drum beats than the silliness of this movie.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 bone staffs.

Reality Check

What happens when you take seven people and put them in a remote location so that you can film their lives?  People die, of course.

Real World meets Big Brother meets Scream.  Boring.

At first, I thought that it might have a little intrigue, but I think that I figured it out about 20 minutes into the movie.  No COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS.  No buckets of blood.  And worst of all, no nudity.

The annoying guy, the actress girl, the emo guy, the bi-sexual girl, the African-American guy, the innocent girl, and the fried hippie chick.  Sure.  Lots of different ways to make conflict.  Which is what the producer wants from all of the cohabitants.

Look.  Buy a cookbook and take 90 minutes to learn how to make a new recipe.  Because this sleeper is not worth watching.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 tasers.

Autopsy

There are several things that I liked about this movie.  The senseless, brutal, over-the-top violence is up there with some of the best B movies out there.  Add in the Terminator T-1000 (Patrick Harris) and Band of Brothers, Cpl. Joseph Liebgott (Ross McCall) to the mix and now we've got ourselves a movie.

Guess what, ... some college aged friends go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.  I know.  I'm terrified too.  After they leave the French Quarter (drunk), they have a little car accident on state route 53 in "Somewhere in Louisiana".  The accident involves them running over a man and even though they conveniently have no cell phones that work, an ambulance arrives immediately to take them to Mercy Hospital.  According to the movie, Mercy has been closed for three years.

The kids have to wait their turn to be examined.  But it's less of an examination and more of an organ harvest.  You see, the doctor in charge is harvesting organs to attempt to keep his wife alive.  Predicably, a few of the friends get taken away and items get removed from thier bodies without anaesthetic.  What is not predictable is when a naked man jumps on one of the girls and expells all of his organ on her.  Then after getting up from that mess, she gets punched in the face.  Like I said earlier, brutal and over-the-top violence.

You have to wait a pretty long time before hearing, "Bleed out, bitch," from the main character, Emily.  It's lines like that one that makes my heart sing.  The ending is weak, but after having a meat cleaver put into the face of the doctor's dying wife, I guess you can give it a pass.

Buckets of blood, body parts everywhere, and a mentally disturbed man of medicine.  Everything you want or need for a classic B movie.  Except for the male nudity.  What was up with that?

I give this movie 3 1/2 out of 5 mechanical skull drills.