Nine Lives

This is not a story about a pet cat.  Nor is it about revenge after getting sent "Fat Fanny, the Granny Tranny" to strip for you on your birthday.  Although, at some point, I wish that it were.

Paris Hilton is in this movie.  With a different name, but playing Paris Hilton.  I don't know if she seeks roles that bare so much of a resemblance to her true life or if she can't act.  Let's just say that I think that it is more column B than column A.

Nine friends are reuniting to get drunk and spend a weekend together.  The manor that they are meeting at is large.  So large that the cast have a hard time getting around the place.  The troubles of some people.

Well, that aside, ... another little problem with the house is that it houses a very mad soul.  So mad, that it possesses one of the friends and forces that friend to start killing off the others.  Along the way, the remaining friends begin to kill the possessed friend and when that happens, the friend who killed the possessed friend - becomes possessed.  Sort of a chain effect kind of thing happening here.  Tim kills Tom and then Tom becomes possessed.  See?

Late in the movie, one of the girls figures out how to break the chain and only one out of the nine remain.  And Paris Hilton is in this movie.

Not a lot of gore.  Not a lot of violence.  And not a lot of Paris Hilton.  I think Paris is the first to be killed.  First or second, ... I forget.

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 butcher knives.

Bottoms Up

I originally was going to watch and review a classic, non-b movie to list here for April Fool's Day.  Instead, I just watched another Paris Hilton movie.  I guess the joke was on me.

This is not as bad of a movie as Pledge This!, but even having Jason Mewes around doesn't save this film.  It almost seems odd to look at Paris Hilton as a brunette.  I wonder which came first.  Her platinum hair color or her fame.

 

Owen (Jason Mewes) is a bartender at his dad's failing steakhouse.  He is one of these "Cocktail" type bartenders who flip the bottles around and create a show.  And he's pretty good at it.  He wants to enter a contest to win the prize money for his dads' steakhouse.  Only, the competition is out in Los Angeles.  He leaves Minnesota and is going to stay with his gay uncle Earl.  Owen enters the contest and loses.  But he still wants to find a way to get the money for his dad, so he begins helping out uncle Earl.  Uncle Earl works at the gossip program "The Hollywood Scoop".  Think of it as TMZ.

 

Owen has to blackmail Paris Hilton in order to try and get an interview with her boyfriend, who happens to be the hottest young actor around and refuses to give interviews.  Everything falls into place and it all works out in the end.  Basically, ... Owen needs to get the interview.  After getting to know everyone, he is in turmoil over if he should screw over his new friends or let things continue on without changing things.  He finally screws over one of the jerks of the group and wins the girl and the money.  The end.

 

A few boobs at a pool party and a couple of good lines.  But other than that, this is a yawner.  There are several familiar actors in the movie.  Look for "Silent Bob" (who is not silent or named Bob) and "Jackie Chiles" (from Seinfeld).  Paris Hilton looks like she is playing herself.  Bored, looking at her phone.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 fecal therapists.

Pledge This!

There comes a time when you have to suck it up and watch a Paris Hilton movie.  I don't know why, but today was my day.

Like most National Lampoon movies, you have to expect some sophomoric humor.  The bathroom jokes and topless women for no apparent reason.  This movie has all of that and commentary by Paris Hilton.  Comments like, "School starts when I pop out of my limo and see my shadow.  But I can't see my shadow, because I am so thin."  There are more of those lines littered throughout the movie.

It's a proven formula for a movie.  Introduce stuck-up hot girls and lovable misfits, have both combine and conflict with hot girls coming out on top, misfits get revenge, the end.  The Paris Hilton bunch are the sorority girls from Gamma Gamma on the campus of South Beach University.  The girls are never in a classroom except for "fashion class" and "secrets of sex" class.  Just about all of the action takes place at the Gamma Gamma house and pool.  "Is everybody from MySpace in my pool?"

Other than a few funny lines, a giant chicken houseboat, and a pie fight ending, there is little reason to watch this movie.

I give it 1/2 out of 5 sorority girls.