Boa vs. Python

We begin with the Royal Reptile Rumble in the square circle and two masked wrestlers.  Python and Boa.  Two men who have absolutely nothing to do with this movie.  We are concerned with one of the men in the audience who is expecting a large "package" to be delivered.  That package is an 80 ft. python.

 

The package has other ideas and breaks free from the 18 wheeler hauling it and gets into a Philadelphia Water and Power facility.  The local officials are called to the scene and so is the FBI.  Agent Sharp finds a large scale and after consulting with another agent, they conclude that this might have something to do with a botched CIA project.  "And get me Monica Bond!"

 

For a person who is associated with the Miami Aquatic Research Institute, Monica Bond sure does like to hang around women in bikinis.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  After a time filler to show that she can hold her breath underwater, she gets transported to the Longreen Snake Reserve in Elkins, WV to meet Dr. Emmett.  Dr. Emmett is one of the nation's leading reptologists.  He has also grown a large Scarlet Queen Boa.

 

Broddick, the guy expecting the package, begins to welcome his guests.  Tex (from Lubbock), Mr. Foley (the greatest military sniper), Mr. Danner and his son James, and Littlefield (master huntsman).  They are planning to hunt down the 80 ft. python for sport.  To the hunt!

 

Basically, Team Broddick is out to kill the python and Team FBI is going to deploy the boa to hunt the python, only neither of the two camps know that the other one is on the case.  Yet.  FUNNY LINE ALERT: Mr. Danner to his son, "God, I hate you."

 

The two snakes end up at the water facility and everybody dukes it out.  Big guns, expensive tracking technology, and flooding are all used to try and stop these two large snakes.  The boa wins the battle of the snakes and now the researchers need to find the boa.  So there could be a sequel, but it wouldn't have Broddick there to rip his shirt off.  So I don't know how it could be as good as this one.

 

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 Broddicks

The Maze

Five college-aged friends are on a mission to visit a corn maze in Garfield County.  And they don't care when they get there, they are going to go into that maze.

 

The opening scene is a little spooky.  The coroner or medical examiner is checking out a burnt skeleton.  He finds a trinket which begins the story.  Three guys and two girls are on their way to visit a corn maze, but are delayed because of a flat.  They finally get to the maze, but the sun has already set.  I know I wouldn't let complete lack of light keep me from entering a corn maze that "sometimes takes people hours to get through".  Would you?  Of course not.

 

The five of them go in the maze and begin a ridiculous game of "tag".  Only, they are not alone in the maze.  There is a man in a red hooded sweatshirt and he has a knife.  The boyfriend dies first, then the girlfriend, the owner of the maze who came out to investigate the noises he heard, the guy with goatee, and the guy with the stripe on his jacket.  The smoker girl (she smokes or at least attempts to smoke) is the only one who doesn't meet her maker due to the red hooded man.  To try and stop her assailant, she sets the maze on fire.  So now you know about the charred skeleton.

 

In one scene, the guy with the stripe on his jacket is running away from Mr. Red Hood.  While he is running, the red hood guy is stationary and is able to stab jacket boy in the back of the leg, accurate enough to bring the runner down.  The mop up is pretty easy after that.

 

Smoker girl gets sent to the sheriff's office.  Saying, "I killed him" after a police officer asks, "what happened?" will usually get you taken downtown for questioning.  I won't give away the ending.

 

For much of the movie, you get to see a lot of the interior of a corn maze.  Or maize maze.  Whoa!  I just blew my mind.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 corn mazes

Princess of Mars

You have to watch this movie from start to finish, because if you don't, you will be lost.  I suspect that the writers were sitting around getting high or drunk, pitching ideas for scenes, and then had to find a way to tie it all together.  It does all come together, but at the cost of watching the entire movie.

 

A marine in a remote area attempts to rescue a hostage.  Only, the hostage is in on it and is instrumental in the marine getting wounded.  The marine ends up at a military unit where he is told that all of his organs are failing, but on a 16GB flash memory stick, there is a way to reconstruct him atom by atom.  Oh baby.  Here is where it starts to get sideways.  The physicians fix the marine, but his new mission is to go to Mars 216, a different Mars in a different galaxy.  Cue in obscure roller coaster of light and now the marine is on a different planet.

 

Mars 216 has humans and these other biped aliens.  There are some additional creatures that you are introduced to, but these are the main parties of interest.  Traci Lords is the queen of the humans on the planet.  So there is a benefit for taking the intergalactic ride to Nowheresville.

 

Of course, the two groups can't get along and of course, the marine has to be a part of history's weakest sword fighting scenes so that he can save the day.  And after he does save the day, ... it's back to his original mission as if it was all a dream.  Or was it?  Creepy.

 

Overall, this movie had some unintentional comedy and was fun to watch.  I'd even watch it again.

 

I give it 3 1/2 out of 5 Air Stations

MegaSnake

This is one of the better movies I've seen recently.  It's got some quality kill scenes, funny lines, and a happy ending.  Aww.  Now, "break out the shotguns and gas up the ATVs.  We got us a big ass snake to kill."

 

Back in 1986, this family who are followers of a church that handles snakes, accidentally gets the father bitten and killed by a poisonous snake.  There are two boys in the family.  Fast forward twenty years.  The boys are now grown and still live with their mother.  The younger brother is now an EMT and the older brother is in the snake handling business.

 

The older brother needs some new snakes and finds a tattoo parlor where a Native-American works.  The Native-American is one of the last Keetowah tribe members and has a very rare and deadly snake named Unteka.  There are three rules when handling Unteka.  One, Unteka should never be removed from its jar.  Two, never feed it anything living.  And three, never fear the heart of the snake.  But there should have been a fourth rule, ... always turn your back on a guy who you have just met so that he may steal Unteka.  The older brother follows rule four.

 

He then breaks rule one, which leads to the breaking of rule two.  Seeing his snake escape, the older brother finds these two hillbillies and seeks their advice on killing Unteka.  He tries stabbing the snake and burying it, but that doesn't seem to work.  The snake grows and grows.  Killing more and more.  Which leads to a music montage where the two hillbillies fashion a crude flame thrower.  That doesn't work either, and the county fair is coming up soon.

 

Of course, Unteka makes its way to the fair.  And of course, Unteka begins biting off the heads of people on the Rock 'n' Roll Express ride, the Love Bug roller coaster, the bumper cars, and whatever else it can sink its fangs into.

 

One of the funnier scenes is when the children are learning about electricity from this guy on stage.  This kid notices the snake and our hero on stage leaps into action and tells the serpent, "That's it.  Time for some feed back," as he attempts to electrocute the snake.

 

Rule three saves the day as the younger brother is swallowed whole and cuts the heart out of the snake from the inside.  From the inside of a seventy-foot snake.  Yep.  Saw that one coming when I started watching this.

 

I give this movie 3 1/2 out of 5 Untekas.

Bloodrayne II: Deliverance

I didn't see Bloodrayne 1: Not Deliverance, so I am not sure if I should have seen these out of sequence.

 

The setting is the wild west.  The town of Deliverance, Montana is waiting for the railroad to come through and help build the town up.  The mayor believes that with a new train station and coal mine that is close by, the town will begin to prosper.  A reporter from the Chicago Chronicle is sent there to cover stories about the wild west ways, not some small town trying to get on the map.

 

After a band of men come into town and start kidnapping the town's children it is made clear that they are not to be messed with.  The lead guy, who we later find out is Billy the Kid, is shot, but remains alive.  He remains alive because he is a vampire!

 

Our hero, Rayne, is a woman dressed in all leather.  That may have been her attire in Bloodrayne 1, I don't know.  All I know is that she is pretty handy with a gun and these demon blades that are strapped to her back.  The real action doesn't begin until the ending of the movie.  And even then, it is a bit weak.  Not many quality kills other than a guy getting gunned down by a gatling gun.

 

There is a open door for a possible Bloodrayne 3 as Rayne is off to Tombstone, Arizona now.  I guess I have to see the rest of the trilogy to see if any of this makes sense.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 vampires

Street Trash

The main focus of this movie is bums.  The bums in this community have made their home in the neighboring junk yard.  And the entertainment for these bums seems to be drinking and violence.  Not always in that order.

 

The local liquor store owner finds a case of "Viper" in the basement of his store and sells it dirt cheap.  Either to get rid of the hooch or because he feels sorry for the bums.  The first bottle of Viper is stolen by one bum from another and to celebrate his victory, the bum goes off and drinks his spoils.  COOL DEATH ALERT: The bum becomes a boiling mess of flesh.  Good thing he was sitting on the throne when he was drinking it.

 

For the bums to make money to buy their booze, they wash car windows.  One unsuspecting citizen tries to talk to the leader of the bums and gets removed from the car and forced through the windshield.  This prompts the police to come out to the area and investigate the crime.  That is when a second bum starts having some Viper and also melts, he is on fire escape and drips onto a pedestrian below.  I wouldn't mention this scene, but I found it hilarious because as the cop is arguing with another citizen, the guy who got hit with the toxic goo is slowly being melted away.

 

There are several COOL DEATH SCENEs in this movie.  Almost all of them involve Viper.  If Viper is in the scene, stay tuned because there will be a toxic geyser of blood or it will involve a person's skin melting off the bones.

 

I give this movie 3 1/2 out of 5 Vipers.

Kingdom of the Spiders

Kingdom of the Spiders is one of those instant classics that creeps you out.

William Shatner is a veterinarian that lives out west in Verde Valley, Arizona.  A small town where everyone knows everyone.  The movie begins with a rancher trying to get a calf ready for the county fair.  Only, when he puts the calf out in its pen, it gets sick and they have to call in Shatner.  Shatner gets some blood samples and sends it off to the lab at University of Arizona.  The results are personally delivered by the university lady to Shatner, and the calf's death is determined to be due to spider venom.

The university lady wanted to come to town so that she could see the carcass and also investigate where the calf was killed.  The rancher tells the two that he found a spider hill on his property and they go to view it.  "I don't think DDT is going to kill them".  If you don't know what DDT is, it kills everything that flies, crawls, walks, or swims.  But somehow, the tarantulas that built this mound have adjusted to the poison and changed their eating habits.  Since there are no more insects for the spiders to eat, they are now going after larger prey.  It is determined that the spider mound must be burned.  Don't worry.  The spiders must have known that they had a potential fire hazard on their hands and built an escape hatch.

The spiders get into everything.  Trucks, homes, and even the crop duster that was used in spreading some poison in an attempt to kill off the eight legged demons.  The tarantulas have organized themselves into an aggressive little army and begin picking off people in town.  Nobody is safe and panic runs wild.

Shatner and a small group think that they will be safe a lodge just outside of town.  They board up everything and try to make sure that lodge is impenetrable from the creepy crawlers.  But the spiders are clever.  From knocking out the fuse box to crawling through the vent fans, they are doing whatever they need to do to get to those people.  The movie ends with the entire town covered in spider webs.

Tarantulas: 1
The town of Verde Valley: 0

I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 tarantulas.