Vipers

Anytime you have movie researchers who genetically modify anything, it always goes awry.  Can we all agree on that?  Sure you might be able to help millions with cancer, but if the cost is a few dozen people being eaten by genetically mutated vipers, is it really worth it?  Really?

 

At the Universal Bio Tech Research Facility, they are using venom from the horned viper to help reduce cancer.  To increase the venom production, they have genetically altered the vipers.  It worked, but there is a crazy side effect.  The appetite has increased, they have become to powerful to keep in a normal cage, and they have begun to hunt in packs.  And because they are digital, they no longer unhinge their jaw to swallow their prey, they now bite and chew like piranha.

 

The research facility is on the island of Eden Cove.  Apparently Eden Cove is so small (How small is it?), ... it's so small that ... let's just say that it is a small island.  Tara Reid runs a very questionable greenhouse on the island.  We find out that she grows marijuana for terminally ill patients there.

 

Let's cut to the chase.  People on the island are overrun by the vipers, Universal Bio Tech arrives to do what they can, many people are attacked by digital snakes, and they destroy most of the snakes.  I say most, because they leave one for the evil Corbin Bernsen who runs Universal Bio Tech.

 

The best attack scene is in a tent near the water where these newlyweds are attacked and have buckets of blood thrown on them.  It might be the silliest thing that I have ever witnessed.  It happens in the first ten minutes of the movie.  Watch that and then turn the movie off.  Unless you want to watch Tara Reid over act.  Then watch the rest.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 horned vipers.

Mutant Chronicles

If you enjoy science-fiction movies (and have a heart), you will enjoy this movie.  No foolin'.  This is one of the better movies that Medusa's Face has reviewed.

 

The year is 2707.  Four corporations now control the world.  They are in constant battle over resources.  During one of the struggles, one company unintentionally cracks the seal on "The Machine", an ancient device that takes the dying or dead and transforms them into mutants.  If successful, The Machine will destroy mankind and replace it with nothing but mutants.  A brotherhood that managed to stop The Machine generations ago, a sort of religion, has a book and a device that may help stop The Machine again.

 

A group of elite soldiers are asked to go on a suicide mission to stop The Machine.  The group of ten, get transported to a "lost city" where they have to navigate through catacombs and old structures, on their journey to The Machine.  The group also battles mutants along the way and take heavy casualties.  As part of the story, the elite group gets enlightened that the mutants do not feel pain and can only be stopped by catastrophic tissue damage, bombs, or swords.  One bullet kill shots definitely are not on the menu.

 

Mutants are stabbed in the face with their own mutant limbs, hit in the head with stalactites, blown up, cut in half, ... you name it.  It all boils down to the main character putting the device in place and sending The Machine rocketing away from Earth.

 

The story moves along nicely.  Lots of action.  Lots of violence.  I don't think that I could have asked for much more from this film.  I am not saying that I would purchase the movie, but I would definitely watch this movie again.

 

I give this movie 5 out of 5 mutants.

Eye of the Beast

Most movies that I have seen with large digital threats have an unexplained "expert" who just happens to be on the scene.  At least provides a small reason for the expert to be in the movie.  Too bad the expert is James Van Der Beek and every time that he shows up on the screen I silently sing to myself, "I don't want to wait ...."

 

What we are dealing with is a large squid that has been eating all of the fish (and a few humans) near the fishing village by Fells Island.  Dawson, who's name in this movie is Dr. Dan Leland, shows up on behalf of the National Oceanographic Research Agency to collect data on why the fish may be disappearing.  He teams up with Katrina, who is the local officer for the Department of Lakes and Fisheries, and one of the fishing vessels so he can gather his data.

 

The locals have their own opinion on why the fish have vanished.  The native-Americans think that the "white man" has over fished the area and the others are blaming the native-Americans because they do not need permits.  While each of those groups argue, more people go missing and more limbs keep turning up as evidence.

 

The groups have to ultimately work together to nab the creature.  Which the squid conveniently comes out of the water to have a harpoon, connected with an electrical line, penetrate its eye and electrocute the beast.  However, it's not all digital tentacles during the movie.  Which does help the "realism" of some of the scenes.

 

Of course Dawson falls for Katrina and with the squid now defeated, they can begin to explore a relationship.  Isn't that lovely.  Awww.

 

So predicable.

 

As far as B movies go, it didn't have a lot of violence or mystery or intrigue.  The movie is nothing more than a handful of people trying to make things right for the other handful of people that were attacked by giant foam tentacles.  Not much to see here.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 squid t-shirts.

The Graves

Ghost towns don't normally have a live show that has the blacksmith crush the patrons with his hammer, but this ain't no normal attraction.

 

The "Graves" part of the movie title is in reference to Megan and Abby Graves.  Sisters who are on a mission to see the world's largest thermometer.  They are about 50 miles off track and end up in the town of Unity, AZ.  Unity doesn't have the attraction that they were looking for, but it does have Skull City.  An abandoned town from the gold mining days.

 

The girls don't pass up the chance to visit.  BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD ALERT: conversation between the sisters, "What's that?", "The entrance to the mine shaft", "You said shaft".  They have a run in with the blacksmith and do something that no one else has been able to do, kill the blacksmith.  Not the best kill scene and it also forces the movie to last longer.

 

They think that they are out of danger now and flag down a passing truck on the highway.  They confess to killing the blacksmith (in self defense) to the driver, only they didn't know that the driver is the brother of the blacksmith.  Now the brother is going after the sisters.

 

The movie continues on and throws in a bit of crazy religious fanaticism into the mix.  Apparently the town has been smelling some gas from the mine that makes you want to thrash anyone in your path and they are blaming it on Satan.  And to help purify the town, they kill any new comers as a command from a higher power.

 

No quality death scenes and way too much of the seizure cam.  You know.  When someone is running away from something and they need to bob the camera up and down so that you are looking at a person's feet and the sky within two frames.  Let alone the "I'm not a main character, so it must be my turn to die" people that conveniently arrive.

 

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 Skull City mines.

Plague Town

If your family heritage goes back to a place in a foreign land, you might want to visit the area and check it out.  If your family heritage goes back to a foreign land and the name of the place that you need to visit is called "The Ruins", do you really want to go and visit?  The wacky family in this movie does.

 

Fourteen years ago, there was something wrong with women giving birth.  The local priest is visiting a home where a lady is about to give birth.  Once the child is born, the priest, of all people, wants to shoot the baby.  The father will have none of that and hits him in the head with a fire poker and once he is to the ground, the priest gets a hatchet to the face.  Pretty gruesome beginning.

 

Present Day

 

Dad and his fiance, along with his two daughters and a guy they picked up three days ago are in the Irish countryside.  They take their chances roaming about and miss the last bus going back to town.  Luckily, the fiance packed a lunch for everyone.

 

Night falls and after making an abandoned car their base, the new guy and the blond daughter head out to try and find help.  They come across a fellow in a field, standing in front of a tractor in the middle of night, and ask for assistance.  He doesn't really want to help and shoots the boy in the neck, which prompts the blond to run away.

 

After hearing the gunshot, the father is concerned and he wants to investigate.  He finds a house and inside there are two little girls.  One of the girls stabs him with a glass shard and he tries to find them after they run from the room.  COOL DEATH SCENE ALERT:  The two girls get some piano wire stretched across the eyes of the dad and pull it through to the back of the skull.  Clip, clop.  He falls over.

 

The boy that got shot in the neck, did not die.  DISTURBING DEATH SCENE ALERT: Later in the movie, he gets chased and after having his eyes poked out, he has a vine threaded through his eye sockets and hung up.

 

The ending is very odd to this movie.  The surviving sisters escape, but are captured and returned to the town.  They are there to help breed out the sickness in the children.

 

This movie is not that bad, it's not that good either.  It has the standard horror film plot of outsiders show up where they shouldn't be and get killed off because of it.  The only thing this film is missing is a deep, dark basement.

 

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 creepy, plagued children.

5ive Girls

Is it a reform school or is it something else?  It's something else.

 

St. Mark's is a reform school for very bad girls.  So bad that they need to be locked in so that they cannot escape.  They also need to be strip searched and are not allowed any contact with the outside world.  No phones, no internet, and they are forbidden to go on the third floor.

 

Alex, the last of the girls to arrive, is the most curious of the third floor.  She is the first to visit and sees the ghost of the girl that disappeared from the school five years earlier.  But that is the least of their problems.  Something greater is happening in the school.  You see, the head mistress is using demonic powers to bring back the girl who vanished.  And for her spells to succeed, she much trade the lives of the five students for the soul of the one ghost.

 

The girls have special powers that help them defend themselves.  Mara is a healer, Cecilia may be blind, but she can read tarot cards, Leah can walk through objects in a room, and Connie is a witch who is fascinated by the occult.  Along the way, the girls get possessed by a demon and they fight the other girls.

 

Alex is able to save Mara, but at the cost of her own life.  The fifth soul is taken when the head mistress has a cross pierce her skull and the ghost comes back to human form.  But, the demon is not done.

 

The school girl uniforms is not enough to save this film.  Even the nudity is not enough.  But the spanking scene.  Oh baby.  Now that's good learnin'.

 

I give this movie 3 out of 5 Latin translations.

Bats: Human Harvest

I've watched digital sharks.  I've watched digital snakes.  I've even watched digital crocodiles.  With this movie, I got to see a lot of digital bats and a fair share of digital helicopters.

 

A Chechen patrol is out investigating an area close to the Belzan Forest.  They head in and are attacked by bats.  But the terribly odd thing here is that the attack is being monitored.  And in another part of the world, the Delta Team is rescuing a hostage from an Al Qaeda training camp in Iraq.  How do these two incidents relate?  They really don't.  It's only to set up that the Delta Team is one of the best and they will be used to go to Chechnya.

 

You see, this American doctor is doing research over in the Belzan Forest on bats.  Genetic research for who knows what reason.  Well, the Delta Team is being sent to extract Dr. Walsh and return him to America.  A C.I.A. agent, who happens to have a Russian accent, is to accompany the team on the mission.

 

I could go on about what this movie is about, but it's not really worth it.  There are a bunch of scenes with computer generated helicopters flying around and even more scenes of these genetically altered super bats.  The story jumps around from the Delta Team, to the Chechen rebels, to the Chechen army so much, it's hard to keep track of what is going on.

 

I was so hard to grade this movie.  I don't know if I can give a movie a negative rating.  It might encourage more people to watch it.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 digitally created helicopters.