This is not a story about a pet cat. Nor is it about revenge after getting sent "Fat Fanny, the Granny Tranny" to strip for you on your birthday. Although, at some point, I wish that it were.
Paris Hilton is in this movie. With a different name, but playing Paris Hilton. I don't know if she seeks roles that bare so much of a resemblance to her true life or if she can't act. Let's just say that I think that it is more column B than column A.
Nine friends are reuniting to get drunk and spend a weekend together. The manor that they are meeting at is large. So large that the cast have a hard time getting around the place. The troubles of some people.
Well, that aside, ... another little problem with the house is that it houses a very mad soul. So mad, that it possesses one of the friends and forces that friend to start killing off the others. Along the way, the remaining friends begin to kill the possessed friend and when that happens, the friend who killed the possessed friend - becomes possessed. Sort of a chain effect kind of thing happening here. Tim kills Tom and then Tom becomes possessed. See?
Late in the movie, one of the girls figures out how to break the chain and only one out of the nine remain. And Paris Hilton is in this movie.
Not a lot of gore. Not a lot of violence. And not a lot of Paris Hilton. I think Paris is the first to be killed. First or second, ... I forget.
I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 butcher knives.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Supergator
I can't believe that I have never seen this movie before. After seeing Supercroc, I finally got to see Supergator. And out of all of the "super" and "mega" movies that I have seen, this one is the best. Major amounts of blood and gore. Digital and foam gators for the actors to battle. And scantily clad women. Aww, yeah.
One group of scientists are in Hawaii to study an active volcano. Another scientist is cross breeding current alligator DNA with the DNA of a 7 million year old gator. The cross-breed broke out of where it was being held and now a hunter has been called in to hunt down the cross-breed.
Look. All you need to know is that there are buckets of blood, close up shots of people getting eaten by foam gator jaw forms, and a lot of people in swimsuits. The 30 foot gator does not discriminate when it comes to chewing on a victim, but if I had to guess, it probably hates the taste of clothes.
See this movie. Seriously. If not for the Medusa's Face alumni, Brad Johnson, who has been in Copperhead and Alien Siege. See it because it is so much fun. Oh, and Holly Weber. You won't want to miss her, ahem, ... "performance".
I give this movie 4 1/2 out of 5 volcanoes.
One group of scientists are in Hawaii to study an active volcano. Another scientist is cross breeding current alligator DNA with the DNA of a 7 million year old gator. The cross-breed broke out of where it was being held and now a hunter has been called in to hunt down the cross-breed.
Look. All you need to know is that there are buckets of blood, close up shots of people getting eaten by foam gator jaw forms, and a lot of people in swimsuits. The 30 foot gator does not discriminate when it comes to chewing on a victim, but if I had to guess, it probably hates the taste of clothes.
See this movie. Seriously. If not for the Medusa's Face alumni, Brad Johnson, who has been in Copperhead and Alien Siege. See it because it is so much fun. Oh, and Holly Weber. You won't want to miss her, ahem, ... "performance".
I give this movie 4 1/2 out of 5 volcanoes.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Shark in Venice
Location, location, location. Not Venice, Louisiana. Not Venice, Florida. Not even Venice, California. No. This is Venice, Italy. Which makes me wonder, ... who lost a bet?
Our buddy, Stephen Baldwin returns to Medusa's Face with this lovely show set in Italy. It's more about treasure hunting than a shark. A great white shark, roaming the canals of Venice. Lovely.
Turns out that Stephen's dad (in the movie) was working for the mafia to locate and retrieve a lost treasure. While making his last dive, the dad and his two side kicks are eaten by the shark that was placed in the canal by the mafia guy. He wanted to keep other divers away from the sunken treasure.
Stephen hears of his father's death and travels to Italy with his fiance. No real reason for her to go, other than getting to go to Italy. Oh, .. and she is used as a hostage later. It doesn't really matter. The real fun in this movie happens mid-movie when Stephen is being chased by the mafia hit men. Watching this one scene as it unfolded, I could tell that A) the stuntman tried his best to avoid having the camera catch his face, which happened; B) some of the same action clips were used at the beginning of the scene as well as at the end of the scene; and C) in the middle of a heated chase, it is always best to come out of the shadows so that the people chasing you can see you.
What a joke. And I am not even going to begin to talk about the file footage of the shark used in the movie. That would just be wrong. Or the four scenes of Venice used over and over during the wide shots.
You see, ... this is a bad movie. Real bad. But so bad, that it is great. I would never recommend watching this movie. Really. It's that bad. This movie lacked a digital shark to fight. In fact, I don't even remember if they killed the shark or not. The title of this movie is misleading. It's more about the mafia guy searching for a lost treasure than a shark. However, it is in Venice and there is a shark there, .. so I guess that makes it okay.
I give this movie 2 out of 5 scarfs.
Our buddy, Stephen Baldwin returns to Medusa's Face with this lovely show set in Italy. It's more about treasure hunting than a shark. A great white shark, roaming the canals of Venice. Lovely.
Turns out that Stephen's dad (in the movie) was working for the mafia to locate and retrieve a lost treasure. While making his last dive, the dad and his two side kicks are eaten by the shark that was placed in the canal by the mafia guy. He wanted to keep other divers away from the sunken treasure.
Stephen hears of his father's death and travels to Italy with his fiance. No real reason for her to go, other than getting to go to Italy. Oh, .. and she is used as a hostage later. It doesn't really matter. The real fun in this movie happens mid-movie when Stephen is being chased by the mafia hit men. Watching this one scene as it unfolded, I could tell that A) the stuntman tried his best to avoid having the camera catch his face, which happened; B) some of the same action clips were used at the beginning of the scene as well as at the end of the scene; and C) in the middle of a heated chase, it is always best to come out of the shadows so that the people chasing you can see you.
What a joke. And I am not even going to begin to talk about the file footage of the shark used in the movie. That would just be wrong. Or the four scenes of Venice used over and over during the wide shots.
You see, ... this is a bad movie. Real bad. But so bad, that it is great. I would never recommend watching this movie. Really. It's that bad. This movie lacked a digital shark to fight. In fact, I don't even remember if they killed the shark or not. The title of this movie is misleading. It's more about the mafia guy searching for a lost treasure than a shark. However, it is in Venice and there is a shark there, .. so I guess that makes it okay.
I give this movie 2 out of 5 scarfs.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Jaws the Revenge
If you have not seen the classic movie Jaws, then please do. However, I will recommend that you not see that movie followed by the fourth installment in the series, back-to-back. Unless you like to laugh a lot.
The original shark movie made a lot of people stand up and take notice of sharks. In particular, the white shark. One of the most refined hunting machines on the planet. A perfect villain.
The Brody family must eat, sleep, wear shark attractive scents. How one family can have such shark related tragedy is beyond comprehension. From 1975 to 1987, this one family seems to have been terrorized by sharks. And in this film, they seem to be singled out.
The mechanical shark is a real winner. The top half of the mechanical shark is out of the water, stationary, as it chomps one of its victims. There are other scenes with the mechanical shark that are side splitting too. If it was real life, and I would see a woman get taken off a raft by a great white shark, I would be in such a panic that I probably would not know what to do. But watching it on the screen, I was laughing up a storm.
Bottom line, the writers and producers should have been kicked in the head after Jaws 3-D was made. My guess is that someone lost a bet and it was for a vacation in the Bahamas.
Keep the mechanical shark. Next time make a film on the conchs.
I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 rope swings.
The original shark movie made a lot of people stand up and take notice of sharks. In particular, the white shark. One of the most refined hunting machines on the planet. A perfect villain.
The Brody family must eat, sleep, wear shark attractive scents. How one family can have such shark related tragedy is beyond comprehension. From 1975 to 1987, this one family seems to have been terrorized by sharks. And in this film, they seem to be singled out.
The mechanical shark is a real winner. The top half of the mechanical shark is out of the water, stationary, as it chomps one of its victims. There are other scenes with the mechanical shark that are side splitting too. If it was real life, and I would see a woman get taken off a raft by a great white shark, I would be in such a panic that I probably would not know what to do. But watching it on the screen, I was laughing up a storm.
Bottom line, the writers and producers should have been kicked in the head after Jaws 3-D was made. My guess is that someone lost a bet and it was for a vacation in the Bahamas.
Keep the mechanical shark. Next time make a film on the conchs.
I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 rope swings.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Alice
For most people, when they see the title of this movie they think to themselves, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and for those people, they would be right in assuming that this movie is on the same storyline as that book. Or you can be like me and think of Alice the television series and expect the Linda Lavin or Vic Tayback characters to be eating Polly Holiday's grits. My mind is a little bent.
This movie is definitely about Alice's adventure in Wonderland, but with a modern twist. Not like the remake of the cartoon with Johnny Depp. This adventure is less like the cartoon and more like a drunken disappointment.
Little did I realize that this was a mini series. What I viewed was just the first installment. And oddly enough, it wasn't all that bad. No real Medusa's Face attributes to speak of in the movie. No buckets of blood. No senseless violence. And the only digital creature that I saw was just an oddly large lizard.
I wasn't going to watch this one, but I was ten minutes in and said to myself, "What the heck." Now I am curious if I should see the second half ... if there even is a second half.
Not a bad way to waste an afternoon.
I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 looking glasses.
This movie is definitely about Alice's adventure in Wonderland, but with a modern twist. Not like the remake of the cartoon with Johnny Depp. This adventure is less like the cartoon and more like a drunken disappointment.
Little did I realize that this was a mini series. What I viewed was just the first installment. And oddly enough, it wasn't all that bad. No real Medusa's Face attributes to speak of in the movie. No buckets of blood. No senseless violence. And the only digital creature that I saw was just an oddly large lizard.
I wasn't going to watch this one, but I was ten minutes in and said to myself, "What the heck." Now I am curious if I should see the second half ... if there even is a second half.
Not a bad way to waste an afternoon.
I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 looking glasses.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Hillside Cannibals
I don't know what kind of sales pitch was used to get this film made, but it must have been a doozy. It was either a great sales pitch or someone blackmailed someone else into making this movie. Seriously. If you don't believe me, try watching this one.
Two couples and an additional girl are out in a remote area to go cave diving. The five of them set up camp and things get a little loose right away. While one couple makes out, the other couple decides to go off, .. to make out, and the odd girl out sits there and smokes some weed. The weed girl hears a noise and goes to investigate. While she is gone, the couple that stayed gets a visit by the cannibals that live in the area. Crash. Boom. Bam. Those two die. Then the weed girl dies. All rather quickly.
The couple that was away from the camp site comes back and gets attacked as well. Not too bad as far as action in the first few minutes of the movie. The boyfriend gets knocked out and brought back to the cannibal cave, while the redhead girlfriend escapes. Don't worry, some other unassuming victims will be added in later just so that the cannibals have someone else to attack.
The cannibals are an odd bunch. Apparently, to become the leader of the cannibal tribe, you have to cut the face off of the old leader and wear it like a second skin. That happens more than once in the movie.
Point of interest: When one of the female cannibals wants the MP3 player that one of the male cannibals is listening to, she tries to seduce him so that she can get his toy. I thought that was funny.
Over the top violence: B-
Buckets of blood: C+
Graphic blood and guts: A-
Understandable plot: F
I don't recommend watching this movie. Not even as a joke. Unless you like primitive drum beats. Because the sound track is nothing but primitive drum beats. I was even shaking my hips a little while watching the movie. That was how much I was interested in what I was viewing. I was more interested in the drum beats than the silliness of this movie.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 bone staffs.
Two couples and an additional girl are out in a remote area to go cave diving. The five of them set up camp and things get a little loose right away. While one couple makes out, the other couple decides to go off, .. to make out, and the odd girl out sits there and smokes some weed. The weed girl hears a noise and goes to investigate. While she is gone, the couple that stayed gets a visit by the cannibals that live in the area. Crash. Boom. Bam. Those two die. Then the weed girl dies. All rather quickly.
The couple that was away from the camp site comes back and gets attacked as well. Not too bad as far as action in the first few minutes of the movie. The boyfriend gets knocked out and brought back to the cannibal cave, while the redhead girlfriend escapes. Don't worry, some other unassuming victims will be added in later just so that the cannibals have someone else to attack.
The cannibals are an odd bunch. Apparently, to become the leader of the cannibal tribe, you have to cut the face off of the old leader and wear it like a second skin. That happens more than once in the movie.
Point of interest: When one of the female cannibals wants the MP3 player that one of the male cannibals is listening to, she tries to seduce him so that she can get his toy. I thought that was funny.
Over the top violence: B-
Buckets of blood: C+
Graphic blood and guts: A-
Understandable plot: F
I don't recommend watching this movie. Not even as a joke. Unless you like primitive drum beats. Because the sound track is nothing but primitive drum beats. I was even shaking my hips a little while watching the movie. That was how much I was interested in what I was viewing. I was more interested in the drum beats than the silliness of this movie.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 bone staffs.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Reykjavik: Whale Watching Massacre or Harpoon: Whale Watching Massacre
Here is another movie that goes by two different titles, but trying to figure out the title of this movie is the least of your worries. A classic B movie that has senseless violence, unexplained motive for killing, and buckets of blood. Just what I wanted to see.
A group of tourists in Iceland are going whale watching. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, right. But things take a turn for the worst when the Frenchman decides to climb the mast of the boat. The Frenchman slips and falls onto the captain with a wooden stick that impales the captain. Mortally wounding the captain.
Before the first mate can finish raping one of the tourists, he is told of the captain's wounding. And in a blink of an eye, the first mate jumps ship and motors off in the dingy for help. Help arrives, but not in time to save the captain. And now the real fun begins.
The tourists are taken to another boat. This new boat is not fond of outsiders. So much so, that they have begun murdering the tourists. Which takes no time at all. When two ladies fight over a cell phone and one gets a bloody nose, she also gets a hammer to the forehead. Lots of COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTs, from a guy getting harpooned to another getting a flare to the eye. Quality kills in this one.
The ending is the only time you get to see a whale and even then it is not much whale footage. Probably because the ending is horrible. Yet another B movie that didn't know how to end. Oh well. At least a guy got shot with a harpoon. Which was pretty sweet if you ask me.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 exploding purses.
A group of tourists in Iceland are going whale watching. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, right. But things take a turn for the worst when the Frenchman decides to climb the mast of the boat. The Frenchman slips and falls onto the captain with a wooden stick that impales the captain. Mortally wounding the captain.
Before the first mate can finish raping one of the tourists, he is told of the captain's wounding. And in a blink of an eye, the first mate jumps ship and motors off in the dingy for help. Help arrives, but not in time to save the captain. And now the real fun begins.
The tourists are taken to another boat. This new boat is not fond of outsiders. So much so, that they have begun murdering the tourists. Which takes no time at all. When two ladies fight over a cell phone and one gets a bloody nose, she also gets a hammer to the forehead. Lots of COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTs, from a guy getting harpooned to another getting a flare to the eye. Quality kills in this one.
The ending is the only time you get to see a whale and even then it is not much whale footage. Probably because the ending is horrible. Yet another B movie that didn't know how to end. Oh well. At least a guy got shot with a harpoon. Which was pretty sweet if you ask me.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 exploding purses.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Cruel World
Here is another example why you should never want to be on a reality show. Even if you happen to win, one of the non-winning contestants could come back and try to kill you. In this case, the guy not only tries, but succeeds. And he doesn't stop there.
A contestant on a reality show was shunned by the woman looking for a mate. He didn't take it too well. In fact, he took it wretchedly bad. Rather than being a man about it, he decides to go back to the house where the show was filmed and try to win his lover. Things take a turn for the worse and he has to kill the woman and the guy who won on the show.
Then he goes off the deep end by inviting players to his own little sick game. The challenges are just what you would expect from one of those types of shows, until two of the "contestants" are forced to have a duel to the death. One COOL DEATH SCENE ALERT in this movie that involves a decapitation and a deputy gets his forearm cut off, but other than that - it's pretty lame.
This movie needed a lot more blood to get a better rating. Either this movie was meant to be serious and they didn't want to cheapen it up by adding so much fake blood that people would think that it was a B movie or they were trying to do a B movie and they didn't feel that they needed to use all of that fake blood. I don't know which way the writers were trying to go, but it missed for me.
The homosexual guy in the movie was not what you would think either. He had a way of doing the unexpected, which was pretty funny to me.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 cow carcasses.
A contestant on a reality show was shunned by the woman looking for a mate. He didn't take it too well. In fact, he took it wretchedly bad. Rather than being a man about it, he decides to go back to the house where the show was filmed and try to win his lover. Things take a turn for the worse and he has to kill the woman and the guy who won on the show.
Then he goes off the deep end by inviting players to his own little sick game. The challenges are just what you would expect from one of those types of shows, until two of the "contestants" are forced to have a duel to the death. One COOL DEATH SCENE ALERT in this movie that involves a decapitation and a deputy gets his forearm cut off, but other than that - it's pretty lame.
This movie needed a lot more blood to get a better rating. Either this movie was meant to be serious and they didn't want to cheapen it up by adding so much fake blood that people would think that it was a B movie or they were trying to do a B movie and they didn't feel that they needed to use all of that fake blood. I don't know which way the writers were trying to go, but it missed for me.
The homosexual guy in the movie was not what you would think either. He had a way of doing the unexpected, which was pretty funny to me.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 cow carcasses.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Ultraviolet
Comic book, ahem ... graphic novel, movies have been popular recently. Superperson, Batguy, Greenlamp, ... and so many others. This movie is something in the area of Elektra meets Aeon Flux (the animated one, not the movie). Not quite as dumb as Elektra and not quite as bold as Aeon Flux.
The world has become divided between humans and "infected" human-like beings. I don't remember what they called the infected, but the point is that the normals want to get rid of the infected. It starts with isolation and it becomes eradication.
Please keep in mind that this is a live action cartoon, so to speak.
Violet is given a mission to steal the weapon that will be used to kill off all of the infected. She succeeds with her mission. The weapon is a boy who has some sort of chemical compound in his blood that when atomized, it could be used as pesticide for the infected.
Lots of action. Lots of computer generated images. Lots of nonsense. Just what the doctor ordered. If you remember that this is a comic book brought to life, then you will enjoy this movie. I know I did. And if you had a heart, you would too.
This is by no means a movie to rush out and purchase, but not a bad way to spend an afternoon.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 hermetically sealed handguns.
The world has become divided between humans and "infected" human-like beings. I don't remember what they called the infected, but the point is that the normals want to get rid of the infected. It starts with isolation and it becomes eradication.
Please keep in mind that this is a live action cartoon, so to speak.
Violet is given a mission to steal the weapon that will be used to kill off all of the infected. She succeeds with her mission. The weapon is a boy who has some sort of chemical compound in his blood that when atomized, it could be used as pesticide for the infected.
Lots of action. Lots of computer generated images. Lots of nonsense. Just what the doctor ordered. If you remember that this is a comic book brought to life, then you will enjoy this movie. I know I did. And if you had a heart, you would too.
This is by no means a movie to rush out and purchase, but not a bad way to spend an afternoon.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 hermetically sealed handguns.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Reality Check
What happens when you take seven people and put them in a remote location so that you can film their lives? People die, of course.
Real World meets Big Brother meets Scream. Boring.
At first, I thought that it might have a little intrigue, but I think that I figured it out about 20 minutes into the movie. No COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS. No buckets of blood. And worst of all, no nudity.
The annoying guy, the actress girl, the emo guy, the bi-sexual girl, the African-American guy, the innocent girl, and the fried hippie chick. Sure. Lots of different ways to make conflict. Which is what the producer wants from all of the cohabitants.
Look. Buy a cookbook and take 90 minutes to learn how to make a new recipe. Because this sleeper is not worth watching.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 tasers.
Real World meets Big Brother meets Scream. Boring.
At first, I thought that it might have a little intrigue, but I think that I figured it out about 20 minutes into the movie. No COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS. No buckets of blood. And worst of all, no nudity.
The annoying guy, the actress girl, the emo guy, the bi-sexual girl, the African-American guy, the innocent girl, and the fried hippie chick. Sure. Lots of different ways to make conflict. Which is what the producer wants from all of the cohabitants.
Look. Buy a cookbook and take 90 minutes to learn how to make a new recipe. Because this sleeper is not worth watching.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 tasers.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Rollerball (2002)
Rollerball is one ultra violent sport. Besides the crazy rules of rollerskating around the field of play, there are several ramps for jumps. And also the "rabbit hole" for a player with the ball to go through and drop onto the other side of the course. Oh, .. and I forgot to mention the motorcycles on the course to help whip the players around to increase their speed. It's rather reckless.
The players, from all over the world, ride, twist, and turn on these tracks all over Asia. They wear silly costumes, have silly names. It's fun. But the owners are not happy with the ratings and begin to tweak events on the course to help boost ratings. The next thing you know, players are getting hit in the face and worse. Then the ratings skyrocket.
For such a violent and wacky sport, the violence factor is rather low. For the playoffs, penalties are removed and the violence gets kicked up a notch. A notch. That's it. I thought that it would have been kicked up a lot more.
Look. This is not one of the B movies that I normally review on Medusa's Face. No digital monsters. No buckets of blood. But, I'd watch this movie again. I wouldn't pay to own it, but I would watch this again.
I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 road luge contraptions.
The players, from all over the world, ride, twist, and turn on these tracks all over Asia. They wear silly costumes, have silly names. It's fun. But the owners are not happy with the ratings and begin to tweak events on the course to help boost ratings. The next thing you know, players are getting hit in the face and worse. Then the ratings skyrocket.
For such a violent and wacky sport, the violence factor is rather low. For the playoffs, penalties are removed and the violence gets kicked up a notch. A notch. That's it. I thought that it would have been kicked up a lot more.
Look. This is not one of the B movies that I normally review on Medusa's Face. No digital monsters. No buckets of blood. But, I'd watch this movie again. I wouldn't pay to own it, but I would watch this again.
I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 road luge contraptions.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Fast Girl
As an auto sports fan, you might be inclined to watch this movie. The movie is about a young girl who has lived around a race track and been involved with racing since she was a little girl. But the message here is not about racing, it is about her getting over her fears.
C'mon!
Alex's father died after rolling his racecar in turn 8 on a road course. And despite losing her father on the track, she wants to be a professional racecar driver. Lucky for her, the Flying Lizard Motor Sports has come to town to have open auditions for their team.
Look. 90% of the movie is about Alex, ... getting picked on by her rival, falling in love, working out her relationship with her uncle, and trying to get better as a driver. Throw in a montage of working out and sessions behind the wheel for good measure.
Pardon me, but I know this movie is not supposed to be about Danica Patrick, but it reeks of her somehow. Danica Patrick is one of the more popular and recognizable female drivers currently out there. And she is a good driver, she has proved that. But something tells me that she did not get her ride by winning one time trial.
This movie needed more racing for my tastes. A lot more. Not a bad flick, but not one that I would want to see again.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 racing helmets.
C'mon!
Alex's father died after rolling his racecar in turn 8 on a road course. And despite losing her father on the track, she wants to be a professional racecar driver. Lucky for her, the Flying Lizard Motor Sports has come to town to have open auditions for their team.
Look. 90% of the movie is about Alex, ... getting picked on by her rival, falling in love, working out her relationship with her uncle, and trying to get better as a driver. Throw in a montage of working out and sessions behind the wheel for good measure.
Pardon me, but I know this movie is not supposed to be about Danica Patrick, but it reeks of her somehow. Danica Patrick is one of the more popular and recognizable female drivers currently out there. And she is a good driver, she has proved that. But something tells me that she did not get her ride by winning one time trial.
This movie needed more racing for my tastes. A lot more. Not a bad flick, but not one that I would want to see again.
I give this movie 1 out of 5 racing helmets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Death Tunnel
What is it with movies that don't have a physical villain to beat? With no giant digital snake or gator to blow up, it is like the people who come up with the story lines can't figure out how to end the movie. Even when the characters figure out the reason behind all of the silliness, it still doesn't make any sense.
The basic plot of this movie is to have a party where five college girls are abducted and brought to an abandoned hospital. They are monitored by closed circuit television and, I don't know, have to figure a way out or something. Five girls, five floors, five hours. The survivors get to go to a party or something. I have to admit, the prize didn't exactly fit the abduction.
The girls see some of the ghosts haunting the hallways of the facility, which freaks them out. And rightly so. But, some of the girls also take on the persona of the dead from the facility. It's all very odd. After a while, I was hoping that the ghost man with the mask would take them all out.
Gore is at a minimum. No violence to speak of either. One scene with a girl stabbing another girl with a shard of glass does not count. Especially since the stabbing was fast forwarded so that the stabbing girl would not realize who she was stabbing.
Freaked out level was at 6 out of 10. But after a while, the freak level drops to 1. Nothing to redeeming about this film for me. At some point of the ending, the girl who makes it through the five hours wants to save the thousands of souls that were transported through the Death Tunnel. No idea how she is supposed to save them, but she wants to somehow save their souls. And then the movie ends. Thankfully.
At the beginning of this movie, there is a note that this movie is based on true events. I can't even begin to think what would be the truth to the story. Other than it sucked.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 buckets of orange goop.
The basic plot of this movie is to have a party where five college girls are abducted and brought to an abandoned hospital. They are monitored by closed circuit television and, I don't know, have to figure a way out or something. Five girls, five floors, five hours. The survivors get to go to a party or something. I have to admit, the prize didn't exactly fit the abduction.
The girls see some of the ghosts haunting the hallways of the facility, which freaks them out. And rightly so. But, some of the girls also take on the persona of the dead from the facility. It's all very odd. After a while, I was hoping that the ghost man with the mask would take them all out.
Gore is at a minimum. No violence to speak of either. One scene with a girl stabbing another girl with a shard of glass does not count. Especially since the stabbing was fast forwarded so that the stabbing girl would not realize who she was stabbing.
Freaked out level was at 6 out of 10. But after a while, the freak level drops to 1. Nothing to redeeming about this film for me. At some point of the ending, the girl who makes it through the five hours wants to save the thousands of souls that were transported through the Death Tunnel. No idea how she is supposed to save them, but she wants to somehow save their souls. And then the movie ends. Thankfully.
At the beginning of this movie, there is a note that this movie is based on true events. I can't even begin to think what would be the truth to the story. Other than it sucked.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 buckets of orange goop.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Heartstopper
Ever heard the phrase, "The devil made me do it"? This movie has a serial killer who has the devil make him do it. Too bad the devil didn't come up with a better ending.
This serial killer who has a knack for staying alive is out to transfer his soul into a new host so that he can continue working for Satan. Luckily, there is a suicidal teenage girl who fits the profile that he wishes. Seems a little dumb to want to use a girl who wants to off herself. I mean, ... what if she is still suicidal after the transfer? All that energy would be wasted.
Buckets of blood later, and I mean buckets, the girl is no longer suicidal and needs to kill the killer to stay alive. But here is the kicker, the killer needs to remove the still beating heart of his victim in order to stay alive. So guess what, ... the girl needs to remove his heart in order to kill him. Pretty cool, huh?
Lots of fake blood in this movie. Good old fashioned over the top violence too. Electrocutions, scalpels to the eye, and general chest rippings. All good stuff to look forward to viewing. There is even a woman who gets her head set on fire. And the best part, ... Robert Englund is the sheriff. You might remember him from such Medusa's Face classics like 2001 Maniacs or Zombie Strippers.
The ending was weak, but other than that, a real slaughter festival. And they don't waste anytime with the gore in this one. There is a scene that I thought was particularly funny. The head nurse is attempting to give blood to one of the students, but she is so rattled by the killer in the hospital that the girl who is being chased says, "Let me do it" and she does. I don't know why that tickled me, but it did.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 blood bags.
This serial killer who has a knack for staying alive is out to transfer his soul into a new host so that he can continue working for Satan. Luckily, there is a suicidal teenage girl who fits the profile that he wishes. Seems a little dumb to want to use a girl who wants to off herself. I mean, ... what if she is still suicidal after the transfer? All that energy would be wasted.
Buckets of blood later, and I mean buckets, the girl is no longer suicidal and needs to kill the killer to stay alive. But here is the kicker, the killer needs to remove the still beating heart of his victim in order to stay alive. So guess what, ... the girl needs to remove his heart in order to kill him. Pretty cool, huh?
Lots of fake blood in this movie. Good old fashioned over the top violence too. Electrocutions, scalpels to the eye, and general chest rippings. All good stuff to look forward to viewing. There is even a woman who gets her head set on fire. And the best part, ... Robert Englund is the sheriff. You might remember him from such Medusa's Face classics like 2001 Maniacs or Zombie Strippers.
The ending was weak, but other than that, a real slaughter festival. And they don't waste anytime with the gore in this one. There is a scene that I thought was particularly funny. The head nurse is attempting to give blood to one of the students, but she is so rattled by the killer in the hospital that the girl who is being chased says, "Let me do it" and she does. I don't know why that tickled me, but it did.
I give this movie 3 out of 5 blood bags.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Bane
Before I start this, .. let me just say, "what?" I mean really. What? I've seen some pretty odd movies, but this one is one of the oddest.
Four women are isolated and tortured so that the research team can study their brain waves when the women are experiencing a raw emotion. Mostly fear. At different points in the film, a man cuts a time into the flesh of one of the women. That time is when they are taken away and then brutalized.
Buckets of fake blood later, one of the women comes out of the experiment alive and the experiment is finally explained. And I don't mind telling you that it is one of the most wretched explanations ever thought up. Turns out, the emotion that the researchers really needed was love.
(single tear)
Now that I have seen this movie, I know that I will never have to see it again. This was one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. And I like bad movies, so I have seen my fair share of lemons.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 smashed clocks.
Four women are isolated and tortured so that the research team can study their brain waves when the women are experiencing a raw emotion. Mostly fear. At different points in the film, a man cuts a time into the flesh of one of the women. That time is when they are taken away and then brutalized.
Buckets of fake blood later, one of the women comes out of the experiment alive and the experiment is finally explained. And I don't mind telling you that it is one of the most wretched explanations ever thought up. Turns out, the emotion that the researchers really needed was love.
(single tear)
Now that I have seen this movie, I know that I will never have to see it again. This was one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. And I like bad movies, so I have seen my fair share of lemons.
I give this movie 0 out of 5 smashed clocks.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Shark Swarm
Earlier, I reviewed a movie with "Luke Duke" (The Hive). This movie has "Bo Duke" (John Schneider). Now all I need to o is find a good movie with Catherine Bach and I will have a trio of the Dukes from Hazzard County.
Shark Swarm is a movie that is about building condominiums. You wouldn't think it by the title. The evil real estate mogul, Hamilton Lux, wants to build ocean view property in the little town of Full Moon Bay. He has been paying the people of the town a handsome price for their properties. But Bo Duke doesn't want to sell. He wants to try and preserve the way of life of the town.
The problem is that the condemed power plant has been leaking waste into the bay and killing off all of the fish. No fish, no fishermen, no way of life. And as an added bonus, the sharks in the area have become more aggressive and are also schooling together to attack people.
I'd like to be able to tell you about the solution to this movie, but it is a "to be continued" movie. I guess there is a Shark Swarm 2 out there. It probably lacks in fake blood and has rubber sharks on beaches just like this movie. The sequel will probably introduce characters whose only contribution to the film is to become a shark attack victim, just like this movie. And it will probably have an environmental undertone, just like this movie.
Let me save you the trouble. The evil Hamilton Lux will get his just deserts and Bo Duke will be fishing once again in the Bay. Doesn't everybody feel better?
I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 shark teeth.
Shark Swarm is a movie that is about building condominiums. You wouldn't think it by the title. The evil real estate mogul, Hamilton Lux, wants to build ocean view property in the little town of Full Moon Bay. He has been paying the people of the town a handsome price for their properties. But Bo Duke doesn't want to sell. He wants to try and preserve the way of life of the town.
The problem is that the condemed power plant has been leaking waste into the bay and killing off all of the fish. No fish, no fishermen, no way of life. And as an added bonus, the sharks in the area have become more aggressive and are also schooling together to attack people.
I'd like to be able to tell you about the solution to this movie, but it is a "to be continued" movie. I guess there is a Shark Swarm 2 out there. It probably lacks in fake blood and has rubber sharks on beaches just like this movie. The sequel will probably introduce characters whose only contribution to the film is to become a shark attack victim, just like this movie. And it will probably have an environmental undertone, just like this movie.
Let me save you the trouble. The evil Hamilton Lux will get his just deserts and Bo Duke will be fishing once again in the Bay. Doesn't everybody feel better?
I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 shark teeth.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Hitchhiker
Most people will never pick up a hitchhiker on the side of the road. Lucky for us, the people in this movie did not take that advice. The first hitchhiker is odd enough. He reviews adult films. And also happens to be into men. Which promptly puts him out of the truck.
The bigger problem is with the man who picked up the hitchhiker. He was a little disappointed with his girlfriend cheating on him, so he brought her out to the desert and ... you can guess what happens. And you would think that he would be happy enough to put that problem behind him. I guess not, because he hitches and gets picked up by four women from Colorado Springs, who are on their way to Vegas to get liquored up and make bad decisions.
Conveniently, there is something wrong with the brand new car that they are driving and must spend the night at a motel on the side of the road. Things get out of had quickly when one of the women has some sex with the hitchhiker. Tame to what will happen next. A stab here, a punch there, and the hitchhiker begins to get very violent with the women. Add in some additional victims and a couple of the worst police officers in Utah and you have all of the makings for a body stacking party.
The story moves along fine and the hitchhiker guy is pretty convincing as a lunatic. I thought that the violence was a little held back. Gore could have been played up a little more too. But other than that, not a bad little flick. Ending is very predictable.
I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 bottles of Miller High Life.
The bigger problem is with the man who picked up the hitchhiker. He was a little disappointed with his girlfriend cheating on him, so he brought her out to the desert and ... you can guess what happens. And you would think that he would be happy enough to put that problem behind him. I guess not, because he hitches and gets picked up by four women from Colorado Springs, who are on their way to Vegas to get liquored up and make bad decisions.
Conveniently, there is something wrong with the brand new car that they are driving and must spend the night at a motel on the side of the road. Things get out of had quickly when one of the women has some sex with the hitchhiker. Tame to what will happen next. A stab here, a punch there, and the hitchhiker begins to get very violent with the women. Add in some additional victims and a couple of the worst police officers in Utah and you have all of the makings for a body stacking party.
The story moves along fine and the hitchhiker guy is pretty convincing as a lunatic. I thought that the violence was a little held back. Gore could have been played up a little more too. But other than that, not a bad little flick. Ending is very predictable.
I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 bottles of Miller High Life.
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