Piranha (2010)

Oh, baby.  You want blood?  Done.  You want guts?  Done.  You want gratuitous nudity?  Double done.  Everything that a B movie lover loves and then some.

Spring break at Lake Victoria means one thing, plenty of co-eds out to get drunk and wiggle.  Too bad one drunk fisherman had a beer bottle go overboard to let loose these prehistoric piranha.  Yep.  One stinkin' beer bottle.

It really doesn't matter that one beer bottle helped cause a seismic event that released several of these ancient fish.  What matters is that there are several naked women and plenty of COOL DEATH SCENES.  The COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS come fast at the end.   One girl gets sliced in two from a snapped tension cable.  Another gets her face ripped off after her hair gets caught in a boat propeller.  Eyeballs getting chewed out of their sockets, people being ripped in half, flesh chewed off down to the bone, and the list goes on and on.

I didn't even get to mention about the Wild Girls Gone Wild or whatever they called it in the movie.  All you need to know is that the wild girls get pretty wild.

The ending is the only part of the movie that was lacking.  Other than that, sit back and enjoy the carnage.

I give this movie 5 out of 5 tequila body shots.

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep

The Kraken is a legendary sea monster that may have been confused with a giant squid.  It doesn't have to be a six armed sea creature that terrorizes Greeks.  However, I will always think of the kraken being released by Poseidon whenever I think of the kraken.  You can think of the squid.

Here is the short, short version of the story: girl needs to find a rock and a mask, gets help from a hunky guy, they meet a bad guy along the way, squid food, dead squid.  Digital squid aside, this movie lacks a lot.  At first when I saw the first victim get thrashed about by the squid, I thought things would be okay.  And even the second and third victims.  The third victim even gets decapitated.  But after the third victim meets the squid, it is a long time before any real action happens.

I was bored with this movie real quick.  Lack of blood.  Lack of digital squid.  Lack of a good story.  And even when they tried to sex it up and have a woman in a bikini, it still wasn't all that sexy.

What's his name from Glee is in this movie.  Yes.  I watch Glee.  Is that so wrong?  Of course it is, what am I thinking.

I give this movie 0 out 5 calamari dinners.

Valhalla Rising

I like B movies that have over the top violence and gore.  This movie has that criteria covered.  Especially the violence.  I also like movies with a plot and a story.  Two items lacking with this film.

If you want to see a skull get bashed in or a head placed on a pike or even a man's intestines ripped out of his torso, then by all means ... watch this movie.  Over half of this movie is without dialog.  So after you get to see the ultra violence, be prepared for several minutes of people walking around a field or stuck on a boat, because you are going to get a lot more of the walking and the boat riding than the throat slicing.

Seriously.  This movie was one volleyball away from being like that Tom Hanks movie.

The ultra brutal violence is not enough to watch this movie more than once.  And even once was hard enough.  I recommend fast forwarding until you see blood or agony, watch that scene, then fast forward again.  You might be finished in less than 15 minutes.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 arrowheads.

The Phantom

This was a two part movie about the beginnings of a crime fighting super hero with ancient ties.  Even though it takes a long time to set up, it's not that bad of a movie.  The action scenes take a long time to set up and there is a twist ending that was rather predictable, but other than that, not a bad waste of time.

Dating back to 1530s, which is like the Bronze Age or something, this guy's boat got ambushed by pirates.  He was the only survivor and he decided right there that he would fight for justice.  Enter in the secret society of whatever to help The Phantom get the job done.  The pirates also have a secret society to plunder, pillage, and do all around pirate things.

Modern day ... a new The Phantom is recruited to go after the secret society of the pirates.  He has all the resources of someone like a Bruce Wayne and a hot redheaded girlfriend like Peter Parker.  The parallels are obvious.

Bottom line is this, action scenes are few and far between.  Blood is at a minimum, but it is understandable since this is supposed to be about a crime fighting super hero and most of them don't spill too much blood on the television.  I admit, this is not exactly the B movie that Medusa's Face normally reviews, but I was 20 minutes in and decided to finish it.

It's just way too long for me.  I don't mind movies that are a little longer than 2 hours and I really liked that they broke this one up into two parts, but it took way too long to set up his girlfriend.  Then it took way too long to set up the lead character to become The Phantom.  Then it took way too long for The Phantom's objective to be set up.  They could have cut out a lot of scenes and made it into one 2 hour showing for me.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 cable boxes.

Monster Ark

There are so many things wrong with this movie, I have a hard time trying to explain it.  Besides ripping of several movies, the digital demon, "The Darkness" is terrible.  Really terrible.

You know that movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark?  What about The DaVinci Code?  Well, think of this movie as a mash-up of the two of them.  And throw in a little National Treasure too.  It's all over the place.

An archaeological dig has discovered the Book of Genesis.  In the original scrolls, there is talk of another ark build by Noah.  The ark that is to banish The Darkness, because it is not supposed to live with mankind.  This university professor finds the scrolls, finds the ark, and also finds the staff of Noah all in the matter of days.  Movie magic aside, it all happens way too quick and convenient for me.

The demon is a whole other matter.  While it does have some pretty good kill shots, there is something missing with it.  I don't know.  It has some killer instincts, but it misses a lot of easy kills.  I thought that it could have been a little better of a villain.  Oh, and the ending sucks too.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 gold amulets.

Werewolf: The Devil's Hound

This is either one of the worst horror movies or the worst attempt at being a funny horror film.  But at least it has some of the criteria that I love here at Medusa's Face.  Buckets of blood and over the top violence.  And veteran Medusa's Face alumni, Kevin Shea, who you remember from Assault of the Sasquatch and Banshee!!!

The story is a little slow and slightly confusing, but it's worth the blood and gore that happens later in the film.  The werewolf, which is more like a Yettie, starts out early and kills a couple of men before being crated up and shipped to ... I have no idea where.  Good thing the shipment is mixed up and delivered to this special effects studio.  Otherwise, we would never know what happened to the werewolf.

Things to look out for in this movie: several decapitations, a woman is sawed in half, a man who has both his arms ripped off - also has his head stomped to bits, legs being ripped off, interracial sex, and to top it all off, a racist joke about fireworks and Chinese people.  The only thing this movie is missing is nudity or partial nudity.  It's got everything else that I love in bad B movies.

The fireworks ending is silly, but then again, most of the movies that have been reviewed on Medusa's Face have that same flaw.

I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 raccoons.

Snakehead Terror

Here is another fantastic movie with lots of blood, lots of over-the-top mayhem, and human growth hormones.  Bruce Boxleitner, of Tron fame, is the sheriff and Carol Alt is also in the movie.  Throw in Medusa's Face alumni Chelan Simmons, from Ice Twisters and Malibu Shark Attack, just for good measure.

This small lake town had a problem in the past.  Snakehead fish were introduced to the lake by accident and began eating all of the other species of fish that were indigenous to the lake.  To kill off the snakehead population, a poison was introduced to the lake to kill them off.  Which also killed off any remaining indigenous fish.

Enter in the local coroner and bait shop brothers who have taken it upon themselves to help repopulate the lake by adding human growth hormones.  The hormones were supposed to be a catalyst to help the indigenous fish, but instead, helped the snakeheads.  And boy howdy, did it ever help them.  One of the snakeheads has grown the size of a whale.

Let's cut to the chase.  Here is what you need to know:  1) lots of large fish that can also walk in land, 2) these fish are capable of decapitating a human (or several), 3) one of the funniest ways to get a killer fish off of your arm is to hold it over the moving propeller of your beached fishing boat.

This movie uses digital fish as well as foam rubber fish throughout the movie.  You all know that I love it when foam rubber villains make their way onto the screen.  And this movie has some classic moments.  About the only thing this movie is missing is some gratuitous nudity or a performance such as Holly Weber's in Supergator.  Oh, how she did perform in that movie.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 electric fishing guns.

Nine Lives

This is not a story about a pet cat.  Nor is it about revenge after getting sent "Fat Fanny, the Granny Tranny" to strip for you on your birthday.  Although, at some point, I wish that it were.

Paris Hilton is in this movie.  With a different name, but playing Paris Hilton.  I don't know if she seeks roles that bare so much of a resemblance to her true life or if she can't act.  Let's just say that I think that it is more column B than column A.

Nine friends are reuniting to get drunk and spend a weekend together.  The manor that they are meeting at is large.  So large that the cast have a hard time getting around the place.  The troubles of some people.

Well, that aside, ... another little problem with the house is that it houses a very mad soul.  So mad, that it possesses one of the friends and forces that friend to start killing off the others.  Along the way, the remaining friends begin to kill the possessed friend and when that happens, the friend who killed the possessed friend - becomes possessed.  Sort of a chain effect kind of thing happening here.  Tim kills Tom and then Tom becomes possessed.  See?

Late in the movie, one of the girls figures out how to break the chain and only one out of the nine remain.  And Paris Hilton is in this movie.

Not a lot of gore.  Not a lot of violence.  And not a lot of Paris Hilton.  I think Paris is the first to be killed.  First or second, ... I forget.

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 butcher knives.

Supergator

I can't believe that I have never seen this movie before.  After seeing Supercroc, I finally got to see Supergator.  And out of all of the "super" and "mega" movies that I have seen, this one is the best.  Major amounts of blood and gore.  Digital and foam gators for the actors to battle.  And scantily clad women.  Aww, yeah.

One group of scientists are in Hawaii to study an active volcano.  Another scientist is cross breeding current alligator DNA with the DNA of a 7 million year old gator.  The cross-breed broke out of where it was being held and now a hunter has been called in to hunt down the cross-breed.

Look.  All you need to know is that there are buckets of blood, close up shots of people getting eaten by foam gator jaw forms, and a lot of people in swimsuits.  The 30 foot gator does not discriminate when it comes to chewing on a victim, but if I had to guess, it probably hates the taste of clothes. 

See this movie.  Seriously.  If not for the Medusa's Face alumni, Brad Johnson, who has been in Copperhead and Alien Siege.  See it because it is so much fun.  Oh, and Holly Weber.  You won't want to miss her, ahem, ... "performance".

I give this movie 4 1/2 out of 5 volcanoes.

Shark in Venice

Location, location, location.  Not Venice, Louisiana.  Not Venice, Florida.  Not even Venice, California.  No.  This is Venice, Italy.  Which makes me wonder, ... who lost a bet?

Our buddy, Stephen Baldwin returns to Medusa's Face with this lovely show set in Italy.  It's more about treasure hunting than a shark.  A great white shark, roaming the canals of Venice.  Lovely.

Turns out that Stephen's dad (in the movie) was working for the mafia to locate and retrieve a lost treasure.  While making his last dive, the dad and his two side kicks are eaten by the shark that was placed in the canal by the mafia guy.  He wanted to keep other divers away from the sunken treasure.

Stephen hears of his father's death and travels to Italy with his fiance.  No real reason for her to go, other than getting to go to Italy.  Oh, .. and she is used as a hostage later.  It doesn't really matter.  The real fun in this movie happens mid-movie when Stephen is being chased by the mafia hit men.  Watching this one scene as it unfolded, I could tell that A) the stuntman tried his best to avoid having the camera catch his face, which happened; B) some of the same action clips were used at the beginning of the scene as well as at the end of the scene; and C) in the middle of a heated chase, it is always best to come out of the shadows so that the people chasing you can see you.

What a joke.  And I am not even going to begin to talk about the file footage of the shark used in the movie.  That would just be wrong.  Or the four scenes of Venice used over and over during the wide shots.

You see, ... this is a bad movie.  Real bad.  But so bad, that it is great.  I would never recommend watching this movie.  Really.  It's that bad.  This movie lacked a digital shark to fight.  In fact, I don't even remember if they killed the shark or not.  The title of this movie is misleading.  It's more about the mafia guy searching for a lost treasure than a shark.  However, it is in Venice and there is a shark there, .. so I guess that makes it okay.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 scarfs.

Jaws the Revenge

If you have not seen the classic movie Jaws, then please do.  However, I will recommend that you not see that movie followed by the fourth installment in the series, back-to-back.  Unless you like to laugh a lot.

The original shark movie made a lot of people stand up and take notice of sharks.  In particular, the white shark.  One of the most refined hunting machines on the planet.  A perfect villain.

The Brody family must eat, sleep, wear shark attractive scents.  How one family can have such shark related tragedy is beyond comprehension.  From 1975 to 1987, this one family seems to have been terrorized by sharks.  And in this film, they seem to be singled out.

The mechanical shark is a real winner.  The top half of the mechanical shark is out of the water, stationary, as it chomps one of its victims.  There are other scenes with the mechanical shark that are side splitting too.  If it was real life, and I would see a woman get taken off a raft by a great white shark, I would be in such a panic that I probably would not know what to do.  But watching it on the screen, I was laughing up a storm.

Bottom line, the writers and producers should have been kicked in the head after Jaws 3-D was made.  My guess is that someone lost a bet and it was for a vacation in the Bahamas.

Keep the mechanical shark.  Next time make a film on the conchs.

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 rope swings.

Alice

For most people, when they see the title of this movie they think to themselves, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and for those people, they would be right in assuming that this movie is on the same storyline as that book.  Or you can be like me and think of Alice the television series and expect the Linda Lavin or Vic Tayback characters to be eating Polly Holiday's grits.  My mind is a little bent.

This movie is definitely about Alice's adventure in Wonderland, but with a modern twist.  Not like the remake of the cartoon with Johnny Depp.  This adventure is less like the cartoon and more like a drunken disappointment.

Little did I realize that this was a mini series.  What I viewed was just the first installment.  And oddly enough, it wasn't all that bad.  No real Medusa's Face attributes to speak of in the movie.  No buckets of blood.  No senseless violence.  And the only digital creature that I saw was just an oddly large lizard.

I wasn't going to watch this one, but I was ten minutes in and said to myself, "What the heck."  Now I am curious if I should see the second half ... if there even is a second half.

Not a bad way to waste an afternoon.

I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 looking glasses.

Hillside Cannibals

I don't know what kind of sales pitch was used to get this film made, but it must have been a doozy.  It was either a great sales pitch or someone blackmailed someone else into making this movie.  Seriously.  If you don't believe me, try watching this one.

Two couples and an additional girl are out in a remote area to go cave diving.  The five of them set up camp and things get a little loose right away.  While one couple makes out, the other couple decides to go off, .. to make out, and the odd girl out sits there and smokes some weed.  The weed girl hears a noise and goes to investigate.  While she is gone, the couple that stayed gets a visit by the cannibals that live in the area.  Crash.  Boom.  Bam.  Those two die.  Then the weed girl dies.  All rather quickly.

The couple that was away from the camp site comes back and gets attacked as well.  Not too bad as far as action in the first few minutes of the movie.  The boyfriend gets knocked out and brought back to the cannibal cave, while the redhead girlfriend escapes.  Don't worry, some other unassuming victims will be added in later just so that the cannibals have someone else to attack.

The cannibals are an odd bunch.  Apparently, to become the leader of the cannibal tribe, you have to cut the face off of the old leader and wear it like a second skin.  That happens more than once in the movie.

Point of interest:  When one of the female cannibals wants the MP3 player that one of the male cannibals is listening to, she tries to seduce him so that she can get his toy.  I thought that was funny.

Over the top violence: B-
Buckets of blood: C+
Graphic blood and guts: A-
Understandable plot: F

I don't recommend watching this movie.  Not even as a joke.  Unless you like primitive drum beats.  Because the sound track is nothing but primitive drum beats.  I was even shaking my hips a little while watching the movie.  That was how much I was interested in what I was viewing.  I was more interested in the drum beats than the silliness of this movie.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 bone staffs.

Reykjavik: Whale Watching Massacre or Harpoon: Whale Watching Massacre

Here is another movie that goes by two different titles, but trying to figure out the title of this movie is the least of your worries.  A classic B movie that has senseless violence, unexplained motive for killing, and buckets of blood.  Just what I wanted to see.

A group of tourists in Iceland are going whale watching.  Nothing too out of the ordinary there, right.  But things take a turn for the worst when the Frenchman decides to climb the mast of the boat.  The Frenchman slips and falls onto the captain with a wooden stick that impales the captain.  Mortally wounding the captain.

Before the first mate can finish raping one of the tourists, he is told of the captain's wounding.  And in a blink of an eye, the first mate jumps ship and motors off in the dingy for help.  Help arrives, but not in time to save the captain.  And now the real fun begins.

The tourists are taken to another boat.  This new boat is not fond of outsiders.  So much so, that they have begun murdering the tourists.  Which takes no time at all.  When two ladies fight over a cell phone and one gets a bloody nose, she also gets a hammer to the forehead.  Lots of COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTs, from a guy getting harpooned to another getting a flare to the eye.  Quality kills in this one.

The ending is the only time you get to see a whale and even then it is not much whale footage.  Probably because the ending is horrible.  Yet another B movie that didn't know how to end.  Oh well.  At least a guy got shot with a harpoon.  Which was pretty sweet if you ask me.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 exploding purses.

Cruel World

Here is another example why you should never want to be on a reality show.  Even if you happen to win, one of the non-winning contestants could come back and try to kill you.  In this case, the guy not only tries, but succeeds.  And he doesn't stop there.

A contestant on a reality show was shunned by the woman looking for a mate.  He didn't take it too well.  In fact, he took it wretchedly bad.  Rather than being a man about it, he decides to go back to the house where the show was filmed and try to win his lover.  Things take a turn for the worse and he has to kill the woman and the guy who won on the show.

Then he goes off the deep end by inviting players to his own little sick game.  The challenges are just what you would expect from one of those types of shows, until two of the "contestants" are forced to have a duel to the death.  One COOL DEATH SCENE ALERT in this movie that involves a decapitation and a deputy gets his forearm cut off, but other than that - it's pretty lame.

This movie needed a lot more blood to get a better rating.  Either this movie was meant to be serious and they didn't want to cheapen it up by adding so much fake blood that people would think that it was a B movie or they were trying to do a B movie and they didn't feel that they needed to use all of that fake blood.  I don't know which way the writers were trying to go, but it missed for me.

The homosexual guy in the movie was not what you would think either.  He had a way of doing the unexpected, which was pretty funny to me.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 cow carcasses.

Ultraviolet

Comic book, ahem ... graphic novel, movies have been popular recently.  Superperson, Batguy, Greenlamp, ... and so many others.  This movie is something in the area of Elektra meets Aeon Flux (the animated one, not the movie).  Not quite as dumb as Elektra and not quite as bold as Aeon Flux.

The world has become divided between humans and "infected" human-like beings.  I don't remember what they called the infected, but the point is that the normals want to get rid of the infected.  It starts with isolation and it becomes eradication.

Please keep in mind that this is a live action cartoon, so to speak.

Violet is given a mission to steal the weapon that will be used to kill off all of the infected.  She succeeds with her mission.  The weapon is a boy who has some sort of chemical compound in his blood that when atomized, it could be used as pesticide for the infected.

Lots of action.  Lots of computer generated images.  Lots of nonsense.  Just what the doctor ordered.  If you remember that this is a comic book brought to life, then you will enjoy this movie.  I know I did.  And if you had a heart, you would too.

This is by no means a movie to rush out and purchase, but not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 hermetically sealed handguns.

Reality Check

What happens when you take seven people and put them in a remote location so that you can film their lives?  People die, of course.

Real World meets Big Brother meets Scream.  Boring.

At first, I thought that it might have a little intrigue, but I think that I figured it out about 20 minutes into the movie.  No COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS.  No buckets of blood.  And worst of all, no nudity.

The annoying guy, the actress girl, the emo guy, the bi-sexual girl, the African-American guy, the innocent girl, and the fried hippie chick.  Sure.  Lots of different ways to make conflict.  Which is what the producer wants from all of the cohabitants.

Look.  Buy a cookbook and take 90 minutes to learn how to make a new recipe.  Because this sleeper is not worth watching.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 tasers.

Rollerball (2002)

Rollerball is one ultra violent sport.  Besides the crazy rules of rollerskating around the field of play, there are several ramps for jumps.  And also the "rabbit hole" for a player with the ball to go through and drop onto the other side of the course.  Oh, .. and I forgot to mention the motorcycles on the course to help whip the players around to increase their speed.  It's rather reckless.

The players, from all over the world, ride, twist, and turn on these tracks all over Asia.  They wear silly costumes, have silly names.  It's fun.  But the owners are not happy with the ratings and begin to tweak events on the course to help boost ratings.  The next thing you know, players are getting hit in the face and worse.  Then the ratings skyrocket.

For such a violent and wacky sport, the violence factor is rather low.  For the playoffs, penalties are removed and the violence gets kicked up a notch.  A notch.  That's it.  I thought that it would have been kicked up a lot more.

Look.  This is not one of the B movies that I normally review on Medusa's Face.  No digital monsters.  No buckets of blood.  But, I'd watch this movie again.  I wouldn't pay to own it, but I would watch this again.

I give this movie 2 1/2 out of 5 road luge contraptions.

Fast Girl

As an auto sports fan, you might be inclined to watch this movie.  The movie is about a young girl who has lived around a race track and been involved with racing since she was a little girl.  But the message here is not about racing, it is about her getting over her fears.

C'mon!

Alex's father died after rolling his racecar in turn 8 on a road course.  And despite losing her father on the track, she wants to be a professional racecar driver.  Lucky for her, the Flying Lizard Motor Sports has come to town to have open auditions for their team.

Look.  90% of the movie is about Alex, ... getting picked on by her rival, falling in love, working out her relationship with her uncle, and trying to get better as a driver.  Throw in a montage of working out and sessions behind the wheel for good measure.

Pardon me, but I know this movie is not supposed to be about Danica Patrick, but it reeks of her somehow.  Danica Patrick is one of the more popular and recognizable female drivers currently out there.  And she is a good driver, she has proved that.  But something tells me that she did not get her ride by winning one time trial.

This movie needed more racing for my tastes.  A lot more.  Not a bad flick, but not one that I would want to see again.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 racing helmets.

Death Tunnel

What is it with movies that don't have a physical villain to beat?  With no giant digital snake or gator to blow up, it is like the people who come up with the story lines can't figure out how to end the movie.  Even when the characters figure out the reason behind all of the silliness, it still doesn't make any sense.

The basic plot of this movie is to have a party where five college girls are abducted and brought to an abandoned hospital.  They are monitored by closed circuit television and, I don't know, have to figure a way out or something.  Five girls, five floors, five hours.  The survivors get to go to a party or something.  I have to admit, the prize didn't exactly fit the abduction.

The girls see some of the ghosts haunting the hallways of the facility, which freaks them out.  And rightly so.  But, some of the girls also take on the persona of the dead from the facility.  It's all very odd.  After a while, I was hoping that the ghost man with the mask would take them all out.

Gore is at a minimum.  No violence to speak of either.  One scene with a girl stabbing another girl with a shard of glass does not count.  Especially since the stabbing was fast forwarded so that the stabbing girl would not realize who she was stabbing.

Freaked out level was at 6 out of 10.  But after a while, the freak level drops to 1.  Nothing to redeeming about this film for me.  At some point of the ending, the girl who makes it through the five hours wants to save the thousands of souls that were transported through the Death Tunnel.  No idea how she is supposed to save them, but she wants to somehow save their souls.  And then the movie ends.  Thankfully.

At the beginning of this movie, there is a note that this movie is based on true events.  I can't even begin to think what would be the truth to the story.  Other than it sucked.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 buckets of orange goop.

Heartstopper

Ever heard the phrase, "The devil made me do it"?  This movie has a serial killer who has the devil make him do it.  Too bad the devil didn't come up with a better ending.

This serial killer who has a knack for staying alive is out to transfer his soul into a new host so that he can continue working for Satan.  Luckily, there is a suicidal teenage girl who fits the profile that he wishes.  Seems a little dumb to want to use a girl who wants to off herself.  I mean, ... what if she is still suicidal after the transfer?  All that energy would be wasted.

Buckets of blood later, and I mean buckets, the girl is no longer suicidal and needs to kill the killer to stay alive.  But here is the kicker, the killer needs to remove the still beating heart of his victim in order to stay alive.  So guess what, ... the girl needs to remove his heart in order to kill him.  Pretty cool, huh?

Lots of fake blood in this movie.  Good old fashioned over the top violence too.  Electrocutions, scalpels to the eye, and general chest rippings.  All good stuff to look forward to viewing.  There is even a woman who gets her head set on fire.  And the best part, ... Robert Englund is the sheriff.  You might remember him from such Medusa's Face classics like 2001 Maniacs or Zombie Strippers.

The ending was weak, but other than that, a real slaughter festival.  And they don't waste anytime with the gore in this one.  There is a scene that I thought was particularly funny.  The head nurse is attempting to give blood to one of the students, but she is so rattled by the killer in the hospital that the girl who is being chased says, "Let me do it" and she does.  I don't know why that tickled me, but it did.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 blood bags.

Bane

Before I start this, .. let me just say, "what?"  I mean really.  What?  I've seen some pretty odd movies, but this one is one of the oddest.

Four women are isolated and tortured so that the research team can study their brain waves when the women are experiencing a raw emotion.  Mostly fear.  At different points in the film, a man cuts a time into the flesh of one of the women.  That time is when they are taken away and then brutalized.

Buckets of fake blood later, one of the women comes out of the experiment alive and the experiment is finally explained.  And I don't mind telling you that it is one of the most wretched explanations ever thought up.  Turns out, the emotion that the researchers really needed was love.

(single tear)

Now that I have seen this movie, I know that I will never have to see it again.  This was one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.  And I like bad movies, so I have seen my fair share of lemons.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 smashed clocks.

Shark Swarm

Earlier, I reviewed a movie with "Luke Duke" (The Hive).  This movie has "Bo Duke" (John Schneider).  Now all I need to o is find a good movie with Catherine Bach and I will have a trio of the Dukes from Hazzard County.

Shark Swarm is a movie that is about building condominiums.  You wouldn't think it by the title.  The evil real estate mogul, Hamilton Lux, wants to build ocean view property in the little town of Full Moon Bay.  He has been paying the people of the town a handsome price for their properties.  But Bo Duke doesn't want to sell.  He wants to try and preserve the way of life of the town.

The problem is that the condemed power plant has been leaking waste into the bay and killing off all of the fish.  No fish, no fishermen, no way of life.  And as an added bonus, the sharks in the area have become more aggressive and are also schooling together to attack people.

I'd like to be able to tell you about the solution to this movie, but it is a "to be continued" movie.  I guess there is a Shark Swarm 2 out there.  It probably lacks in fake blood and has rubber sharks on beaches just like this movie.  The sequel will probably introduce characters whose only contribution to the film is to become a shark attack victim, just like this movie.  And it will probably have an environmental undertone, just like this movie.

Let me save you the trouble.  The evil Hamilton Lux will get his just deserts and Bo Duke will be fishing once again in the Bay.  Doesn't everybody feel better?

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 shark teeth.

The Hitchhiker

Most people will never pick up a hitchhiker on the side of the road.  Lucky for us, the people in this movie did not take that advice.  The first hitchhiker is odd enough.  He reviews adult films.  And also happens to be into men.  Which promptly puts him out of the truck.

The bigger problem is with the man who picked up the hitchhiker.  He was a little disappointed with his girlfriend cheating on him, so he brought her out to the desert and ... you can guess what happens.  And you would think that he would be happy enough to put that problem behind him.  I guess not, because he hitches and gets picked up by four women from Colorado Springs, who are on their way to Vegas to get liquored up and make bad decisions.

Conveniently, there is something wrong with the brand new car that they are driving and must spend the night at a motel on the side of the road.  Things get out of had quickly when one of the women has some sex with the hitchhiker.  Tame to what will happen next.  A stab here, a punch there, and the hitchhiker begins to get very violent with the women.  Add in some additional victims and a couple of the worst police officers in Utah and you have all of the makings for a body stacking party.

The story moves along fine and the hitchhiker guy is pretty convincing as a lunatic.  I thought that the violence was a little held back.  Gore could have been played up a little more too.  But other than that, not a bad little flick.  Ending is very predictable.

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 bottles of Miller High Life.

Ice Spiders

Vanessa Williams is in this movie.  But it's not the Vanessa Williams that I recognized.  Could there be two actresses named Vanessa Williams?  I guess anything is possible.  Just like splicing the DNA of a prehistoric spider with some modern day spiders to grow into several large super spiders.

A remote lab in the mountains of Utah, is experimenting with spiders.  But not just any old spiders that you find in the corners of where you live.  These are giants.  Probably six foot across.  At one point in the movie, a skier gets taken out when one of the large spiders grabs them in mid flight after a small jump.  It's about the best thing in this movie.  It's either that or when the ski coach jumps off the ski lift to shatter his leg.

The plan was to harvest a large amount of spider silk.  The silk could be fashioned into armor for military forces.  The properties of the silk make it stronger than steel and lighter then most composite materials.  Not a bad plan.  But to grow the spiders, steroids and other growth hormones were introduced into the spider food.  Those extra chemicals made the spiders aggressive and they began attacking the lab technicians and anybody in their path.

I was waiting for the solution of taking out the spiders to be some huge production.  But the producers must have spent a hunk of change on the digital spiders, which made the ending weak.  As with most other B movies, there are certain lines throughout the movie that are forgettable, but funny.  The hero of the day kills a spider with a mounted stag head and proclaims, "Hey, doc!  Nice rack."

Gore is at a minimum and zero over-the-top violence.  The "evil" professor who is heading up the spider research is not all that evil.  In fact, the one kid on the ski team who is supposed to be America's next great hope for an Olympic gold is probably more of a jerk than the professor.

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 school buses.

The Shaft or Down

Yet again on Medusa's Face, we have a movie with two titles.  The Shaft and Down.  I don't really care.  It's got some alumni from 5ive Girls, Mutant Chronicles, Reeker, and Maximum Velocity too.  But what does that mean?  All it means is that this movie is no double rainbow.

 

Lightning strikes the Millennium Building in New York and the elevator has come to life.  I'm laughing already.  Apparently, the electronics that control the elevators in the building have a bonus feature.  Bio-tissue microchips are helping the process.  The inventor of these chips used dolphin brains in the past, but I don't know what he is using now.

 

For most of the movie, people walk around and use the elevator.  Big deal, right.  Right.  It's an elevator people!  I guess for those people who have elevatorphobia, it's a big deal, but for the most part, it's just an elevator.  This elevator happens to decapitate someone and guide a blind man (and his dog) to their deaths, but other than that ....

 

I really can't say how hard it was to have en elevator as the villain for a premise.  It was too left field for me.  I try to give the writer the benefit of being able to come up with the concept, but it was just a little too far fetched for my tastes.  I much rather prefer a villain that is not stationary.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 broken flashlights.

Aaah! Zombies!! or Wasting Away

Yet again I have some across a movie that is known under two different titles.  You might find it listed as Aaah! Zombies!! or Wasting Away.  No matter which title you happen to see this movie listed under, it takes zombie movies and turns them on their collective ears.  This movie tells the story from the zombie point of view.  Rather clever.

 

A military experiment has gone wrong.  The subject is given a substance that kills him rather quickly and then transforms him into a zombie.  In an effort to cover up the mishap, all of the containers of the toxic liquid is being transported to a pristine lake for dumping.  But before the payload can be delivered, there is an accident and one of the barrels rolls all the way to a bowling alley.  There, the bio-hazard goo gets absorbed by the dairy containers and is made into ice cream, which four friends eat.  One of the friends is an alumni of Medusa's Face, previously seen in Bottom's Up.

 

They turn into zombies and are joined by another zombie that was a PFC at the military installation that was doing the testing.  While they think that everyone else is infected, it is this group of five that are the infected ones.  These five think that they are somehow "super soldiers" and can help change the world.  They don't seem to die and they have incredible strength.

 

It's a pretty good movie and I like the change of pace from some of the other zombie movies that I have seen.  I wanted a little more over the top senseless violence.  There was some, but I felt that this movie needed more of that.  Nothing too memorable, other than in order to translate zombie to human, either the zombie's brain waves need to be stimulated or the human needs to be drunk.  I thought that was a nice touch.

 

So remember kids, when drunk .. you might be able to understand zombies.

 

I give this movie 3 out of 5 bowling ball bags.

The Cave

The title on this movie is a little misleading.  Sure there is a cave involved, but there are also a lot of underwater scenes.  And don't forget about the host changing parasites that are in the cave.  I mean, those are important to the plot too.  So the title of this movie could have been something else.  Something like, "The Parasite That Lives in the Cave" or "Cave Dwelling Parasites".  What?  Too wordy?

 

Thirty years ago, a few men break into an old church to either rob it of artifacts or treasure.  They know about the lower belly of the church and proceed to blow a hole into the floor so that they can get into the cave.  But they used too much explosives, because not only do they blow too large of a whole, they also start an avalanche that destroys the church and covers the opening with rocks.

 

Fast forward to present day.  A group of scientists have made their way to the site of the church to do a little research of their own.  After noticing that parts of the cave are now underwater, a dive team is called in to help with mapping out the cave and provide additional information.  Everything seems to be going as planned, until the dive team members start becoming victims of these creatures that live in the cave.  The creatures have adapted to live without light and use sonar to locate their prey.

 

The leader of the dive team rallies the team to begin searching for a way out of the cave system.  They go under water, down waterfalls, up rock faces, and just about everywhere that you can go without double tracking on themselves when one person realizes that the leader is infected with a parasite.  He is changing.  Not rapidly, as some movies change their characters, but he is definitely changing.

 

Long story short, three people escape and one of the people that survived also has the parasite.  Like most of the other B movies reviewed on Medusa's Face, the ending is open ended in case they make enough money to make a sequel.  This one, I doubt.  A lot of recognizable and quality actors in this movie.  The creatures are added in rather well too.  Not too much to pan on the movie.  If I were to add anything different, I might add a little more gore in the fight scenes with the creatures.

 

And maybe the title, too.  How about, "Cave Creatures That Live in Caves!"  Okay.  Maybe not.

 

I give this movie 3 out of 5 re-breathers.

The Hive

What is worse than millions of ants that swarm together and are able to communicate and make their own little computer?  I'll tell you what's worse.  One that gets in the ear of Tom Wopat and drives him crazy.  That's what.

If you want a far fetched movie with wretched acting and a horrible ending, have I got a movie for you.

The ants on this island have begun terrorising the people.  Attacking their victims and reducing them to skeletons, in an effort to take over the island.  Due to the size of the swarms, a gallon on gasoline and a couple of matches is not going to be enough to take these ants out.  There are hundreds of millions of them.

Call in Team Thorax.  They are like the industrial insect killers of the world.  They have these real cool laser guns that destroy thousands of ants with each blast.  But the ants are clever and lay traps for the people with the guns.

The best part is when the Minister of the Island tells the people in the situation room, "We will not negotiate with ants."  I loved that line.  So profound.

Bottom line is this, the ants have become intelligent due to some alien ant.  They want the island as their own and even though Tom Wopat has an ant in his ear that is partially controlling his judgement, Tom Wopat uses some sort of bomb to kill the ants and send that alien ant packing.

This movie is so awful.  A great B movie by B movie standards, but just so hard to watch.  I know that you have to accept a lot of things when watching these types of movies, but to consider ants making a bio-network computer was one of the hardest to swallow.  Give me a break.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 plantations.

Fingerprints

Lou.  Diamond.  Phillips.  The three greatest words to return to Medusa's Face.  Again, ... still not entirely accurate.

Little Miss Rehab has returned to her family after getting off of the heroin.  While her dad and sister welcome her back with open arms, her over-the-top mother still thinks that she is on the smack.  Which could explain some of the visions that LMR is having.  But, she's not on the black tar.  She just is able to see the ghosts of the children who supposedly died in a bus crash with a train.  Sounds like she is still floating to me.

Things get wild and weird during the film and we have to wait a long time before the first COOL DEATH SCENE ALERT, but it finally comes.  First a boy gets a rail spike through his chest, then his girlfriend gets it through her neck.  Pretty awesome stuff.  But that is about the best kill scene in the whole movie.

The acting in this movie is bottom of the barrel.  I mean, really low.  I loved it.  And if you had a heart, you would love it too.  The story is okay.  Gore is at a minimum.  Acting is horrific.  If there would have been a little more unnecessary violence, I would have liked this movie more.

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 busted cell phones.

Maximum Velocity

You know that big red dot on Jupiter.  It is a hurricane.  A massive hurricane that has been roaming around for a long time.  And when a meteor comes too close to the Earth, it helps stir up a super storm that could possibly roam the waters of the Earth just like that storm.  Good thing we have this four billion dollar plane to help stop it.

Yet another weather changer movie.  This one is one of the worst yet.  Dr. Timothy Briggs was on a top secret weather project that claimed the life of his wife four years ago.  Since then, he has laid low at begun teaching at a community college.  But with the meteor skirting the atmosphere, it has drummed up a super storm that could annihilate the east coast of the United States.  The general who removed him from the project four years ago needs him again.

I will be brief, ... the new plane goes in the air and a lot of far fetched things happen and the crisis is averted.  This movie takes unbelievable and takes it to another level.  From refueling in the eyewall of the strongest storm in recorded history to dragging the hurricane towards cooler waters to help weaken it.

The villian here is a hurricane.  There are a few scenes with people evacuating, most of them running.  It's rather funny.  But no real gore or anything to get excited about.  One man gets lit on fire.  That's about it.  Most of the movie is either seizure cam from the bouncing around in the digital airplane or the digital airplane.

Not worth the effort to see this one.  Even with a Medusa's Face alumni from Copperhead.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 motorcycle wind suits.

Attack of the Sabretooth

When the first confirmed kill happens in this movie, I was thrilled.  Not because of the kill, but because it looked like this movie was going to go old school with the special effects.  Arms ripped off, blood spitting out like a bad fuel pump.  You know, the classics.  Too bad they didn't stick with it.

The owner of the Primal Park on this remote Fiji island has lured investors to view the beginnings of his dream.  a hotel, amusement park, and the main attraction - a zoo.  The zoo will house these sabretooth cats that man has not seen in hundreds of thousands of years.  He has brought two, ... no, three, to life via DNA research.  All of this sounds like a very familiar plot line, except on this island, we have five college kids who are on a scavenger hunt.  I am still trying to figure out how they got invited to the island.

One of the college guys, disables the security system so that they all can get into the restricted areas and hunt for their objects.  And while disabling the system, the idiot releases a virus.  Good job.  It's not enough that you are hacking into the security for your own little game, but now you have made it so the cats can roam around the island.

These are no ordinary sabretooth cats.  They are bulimic too.  So they kill to eat, but can't keep the food down and have to kill some more.  And one of the cats has trouble with its hind legs.

There are some COOL DEATH SCENE ALERTS with people being decapitated and guts being pulled out of people.  Pools of blood, and I mean pools of blood, pour out of several victims.  All of the things that work well in these types of B movies.  Gratuitous TV sex (lacks nudity) in the beginning as well.

The story could use a lot of work.  The characters are not memorable.  And they probably could have a little more over the top gore in the kill scenes.  But overall, ... not that bad of a bad movie.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 conch shells.

Open Graves

The beginning of this movie is rather bazaar.  It begins with a scene out of the Spanish Inquisition and someone is being tortured.  Fingernails are being ripped out.  Bodies are being stabbed.  A real gore fest, ... then ... surfing.  Don't ask me, I just watch them.

 

Present day Spain, a group of twenty somethings are surfing and partying.  One guy is a photographer, who shoots bikini models for calendars.  He has a friend that works with him on the shoots.  He is also dating one model as he bangs another.  Another buddy of his is in graduate school and all of them meet up with another girl who fits in somehow.

 

The blond guy is given this board game by a legless man.  The game has a legend behind it.  It was fashioned from the skin of a witch and inked with her blood and tears.  The rules of the game are simple.  You are not playing against one another, but rather against the game.  If you die in the game, you die in real life.  If you win the game, you get one wish granted to you.  SPOILER ALERT: The blond guy wins the game, but he doesn't word his wish well and everyone repeats their actions.

 

The players die in order of how early they left the game.  The first guy out, falls off of a cliff and then gets partially eaten by crabs.  The second guy gets bitten by snakes.  The third is a girl, who dies of rapid old age.  And so on.

 

Along the way, the survivors find the legless man now has legs, courtesy of the game.  It came at the cost of his brother's life, but he now has legs.  The cop who is assigned to the case is also interested in the game.  He wants to try and win back the lives of his wife and child.

 

The story is fair.  I thought that there could have been a little more back story to the game, but it is not totally necessary to the plot.  The gore was at a minimum and the digital effects were fine.  It was just hard to care for the characters.  The blond guy and the newly met surfer girl are the ones that are able to solve the game.  That's fine, ... but they have known each other less than a week and seem to be together a lot more than most new acquaintances.

 

It this movie worth a one-time viewing?  Sure.  Will it be enjoyable?  I can't really say.  About the only cool scene that I liked, was when the legless guy grew his legs back.  That is about the only scene that I would watch again.  That and the opening.  Everything else was a time filler to me.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 lumber yards.

Reeker

When I first read the title of this movie, I thought it was going to be about a bunch of college kids who locked themselves in a hotel room, drank a lot of beer, and farted all night.  Not really.  But I would bet that room would stink just as bad as this movie.

Trip scores some killer drugs that have serious hallucinogenic side effects.  He and a group pile into a car to go to Area 52, which is supposed to be the biggest rave on the West Coast.  People in the car on the trip: Trip the drug user, Gretchen the driver, Cookie the eye candy, Jack the blind guy, and Nelson.  I don't know how to describe Nelson.  He's just there.

They roll along and once Trip announces to the car that he has the pills, Gretchen wigs out and wants to drop him off right where she stopped the car.  Nelson talks her out of it and they proceed back to the diner that they just left to leave Trip there.  But once they get to the diner, Gretchen's car stalls and the strangely enough, there is nobody at the diner.  Nobody.  Nobody working.  Nobody eating.  Nobody.

It's getting late and next to the diner is a hotel.  Nobody at the hotel either.  Things start happening to them one by one and eventually people start dying.  But not too gruesome.  They have to fend off the grim reaper himself to survive.  Give me a break.  Shooting at Death, stabbing Death with a shovel, ... what is going on here?

I get how the movie ends, but for all of the set up that took place in the beginning of this movie, it sure fell apart at the end.  I guess the writer either didn't know how to end the movie or had this bazaar twist ready and didn't know how to tie it all together.  Either way, it was a bomb for me.

Suspense?  Maybe.  Horror?  No.  Worst acting for someone who is supposed to be blind?  Definitely.  For most of the film, Jack walks/stumbles around with his arms outstretched trying to feel his way about.  Only towards the end does he accept assistance from others by using their arm to follow behind them.  It just doesn't seem likely is all I am saying.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 outhouses.

Carny (2009)

Carnival people have to make a living too.  From the freaks who have tattoos everywhere to the people that pierce anything, these human oddities are paid to be different.  Unlike the people that work the late shift at Tower Records.  I know I am dating myself with that reference, but so be it.

 

I want to begin with the three best words in acting, "Lou", ... "Diamond", ... "Phillips."  Okay, probably not an accurate statement, but Lou Diamond Phillips is the sheriff of Reliance.  The carnival has come to town with all of their side show oddities, like the man with two heads (who later proclaims, "Ow, my two heads"), and in protest is the local preacher.  Pastor Owen believes that the carnival is evil and he is right.

 

Well, ... certain people of the carnival are evil.  Cap runs the show and he is just as sinister as they come.  He killed the man who delivered the newest addition to the carnival, the Jersey Devil.  The Jersey Devil is not a professional hockey player or someone who is a regular at tanning salons.  This creature is a four legged winged beast that has a taste for blood.  And the more blood it tastes, the more blood it wants.

 

Everyone in town goes to see the carnival and, guess what, ... the creature escapes.  The first victim is the pastor's son.  We needed a first victim and he was a bad apple anyway, so why not him.  The real fun comes when his friend gets it.  He is forcibly removed from his mom's car and then dropped onto the very same car.  His mom gets it too, but she doesn't die as cool as her son.  Other than this scene, the only other scene that has anything worth watching is when the pastor cuts out the tongue of the carnival owner.  "The devil speaks with a forked tongue!"  Well, not any more he doesn't.

 

Several times the creature could have been killed, but it takes LDP to take it our in the end, killing him along with it.  One thing that I could not figure out was why LDP was so concerned about the palm reader in the movie.  He met her for less than 5 minutes, but at the end of the movie, he is running around looking for her as if he had known her all his life.  Seemed rather dumb to me.

 

The digital creature wasn't totally wretched, but the acting trying to wave at it was.  There are no redeeming qualities to this movie and if you are up late enough, make sure you miss this one.  It's not worth the time.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 tranquilizer darts.

Roadkill (2011)

This group of friends are getting together in Ireland as a sort of reunion.  Touring the countryside, meeting some locals, and getting cursed by a gypsy.  All on the itinerary.

After the group of four guys and three girls get to Ireland, they board their rented RV and drive towards a campground outside of Dublin.  Along their journey, they stop for a bathroom break and one of the girls wants to purchase a trinket from a brick-a-brack shop.  The trinket is not for sale, but one of the guys steals it from the shop owner.  Making their get away, they smash into a woman and she puts a curse on them that a large bird would take them out one by one.

The first girl gets clawed at and then taken away by this enormous buzzard.  Then a guy gets the same treatment after he changes a flat on the RV.  As the group tries to protect themselves from the flying menace, they also have to dodge the shop owner and his band of gypsies who are trying to get the trinket back.  Somehow, this medallion protects you from the large bird that is attacking everyone.

But again, ... seizure cam is the main effect in all of the action.  The digital buzzard is pretty good and there is also a good use of latex gore on the actors.  With all of the digital effects out there, it's nice to see some old school special effects.

The story is solid, the acting par, and the digital bird is done well too.  The one person who I thought would be one of the "also appearing" was the one that makes it to the end.  And even the ending of this was questionable.  Bottom line, for a movie that did nearly everything right, they blew it at the end.

In summary, ... deaths throughout the movie by a large digital buzzard, dumb ending.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 Zippo lighters.

Ice Twisters

Much like The Storm, people are trying to control the weather.  We've seen it before, people.  To borrow a phrase from a commercial out of the '70s, "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature."  But hey, we have Medusa's Face alumni from The Sea Beast and Tucker & Dale vs. Evil in this movie, so it can't be all bad.

Sure it would be great to bring rain to areas that need it, but at what cost.  Apparently, the researchers and scientists in this movie didn't explore the side effects of their experiment.  A digital plane releases several digital drones that begin flying in a circle.  As they fly, they also release an agent to help create a cloud so it can be seeded to make rain.  That's all great, but after they get a successful test under their belt, they also happen to produce tornadoes that freeze everything in their path.  Spewing out deadly hail that can punch right through human torsos.

Luckily for the team creating the rain, there is a scientist turned science fiction author nearby who is asked to offer assistance.  He has plenty of suggestions, but since the team thinks that he is just an author spreading conspiracy theories, they don't give him much credit.  Don't worry.  They later take his advice to blow a hole in the ozone layer to help save Portland, OR.  Take THAT, environmentalists.

As far as the story goes, this is not that wretched of a plot.  What made it suffer for me was the addition of the author.  He just happens to know just as much about the situation as the people who have been working on this particular project for three years.  It's nonsense.  Not to say that he wasn't vital to the story, I just thought that he was added in rather oddly.  The wicked official from Washington D.C. wasn't totally necessary either.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 tornado thrown locomotives.

The Cursed

How did this movie get made?  Seriously.  You can't tell me that the producers were sober when this movie received the green light.

Way back during the Reconstruction Era of the South after this particular plantation owner freed his slaves, he decided to work his land by himself.  Of course he couldn't, so he bought some cattle to raise.  But the cattle died.  And like any sensible person, after cursing God, he turned to the devil to sell his soul and become a demon to roam the Earth for generations to kill people and livestock whenever he wanted.

Present day.

Enter in the great, great grandson of the plantation owner, Denny White.  He has come back to this small town in Tennessee to do some research in a book that he is writing and to meet up with an old friend.  But once he gets into town, people and livestock start dying and disappearing.

With the help of the town librarian, Denny is able to get some information about his family history and also speak to another person who had seen the demon and lived to tell about it.  Things go from bad to worse when the townspeople decide to go hunting for the demon and end up as victims themselves.

Denny and the sheriff figure out that they need to go to the old plantation to put this demon to rest.  Shots are fired, Molotov cocktails are thrown, and the demon burns to death.  But the catch is, whoever destroys the demon .. becomes the demon.  Ooohh!

The acting is weak, but it includes a couple of Medusa's Face alumni from Dinocroc and Sea Snakes (or Silent Venom).  The demon is part ghost, part solid.  So when they shoot at the demon, the only bullets that can kill it have to have a velocity of mach 20.  But after the demon has been shot, you can hit it with a board and set it on fire.  Really?  I mean, ... c'mon, ... really?

I found nothing redeeming about this movie.  Even the gratuitous sex scene was a time waster.  The story line was anemic.  And that is being kind.  The movie ended abruptly too.  For a demon that could change states from gas to solid, he was defeated rather easily and quickly.

I give this movie 0 out of 5 cow heads.

Copperhead

When I saw the premise behind this movie, I was thankful to see that instead of having one large digital snake eating up the population, there were several thousand digital snakes taking over the town.  SPOILER ALERT, there is a large digital snake that also makes a guest appearance.  Medusa's Face is no stranger to large digital snakes.  It also is no stranger to several other actors who have been reviewed in these other B epics: Alien Siege, Bats: Human Harvest, Star Runners, MegaSnake, S.S. Doomtrooper and something tells me many more that I have not watched yet.  It's nice to see so many familiar faces.

 

In the years of the wild west, "Wild" Bill Longley is passing through a town in New Mexico on his way to California and wanted to see a friend of his.  But the friend has been killed by the Jesse Evans Gang.  People in this town are fearful of Jesse, even the sheriff.  Heck, the sheriff is fearful of his own britches.  What Wild Bill knows that nobody else knows is that there is a heap of snakes coming for the town.  If he doesn't get revenge for his friend, Murphy, then the snakes will.

 

After a standoff with Jesse, Wild Bill rallies the town to a) get rid of Jesse's gang and b) put up a fight against the snakes.  Cue the western montage.  Ditches are dug, guns are loaded, a gatling gun, and for good measure - a flame thrower.  The first few hundred snakes do like they are supposed to and go down the center of the town and basically wait to be killed.  It's the other several thousand that come over buildings and begin taking on the town folk.

 

Solution: blow up the saloon where nearly all of the snakes have congregated.  Simple enough, right.  Wrong.  The dynamite is down the street and most of the people are in the saloon.  They figure out a way to blow up the snakes, but one person makes a keen observation.  These snakes are babies.  The momma shows up soon enough.  She is probably about 20 feet long.  Similar to the size of snake in MegaSnake.  Now they have to kill the largest copperhead in the history of copperheads.  Killing one massive snake proves a lot easier than killing several thousand of normal sized snakes, because they take out that large snake rather quickly.

 

The story is alright.  They don't really explain why several thousand snakes gathered together to begin roaming across the countryside.  No real good quality death scenes either.  The digital snakes look like digital snakes.  Not much to look forward to there.  One of the best exchanges in the movie, " Where is everybody?"  "Dead, remember."  Classic.

 

If you have the time and this movie happens to be showing, you might be able to sit through it.  I wouldn't make an effort to see it though.

 

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 fireplace pokers.

Kill Theory

Seven college aged kids just graduated and want to celebrate.  They go to a parents' lake house and unknowingly become part of a sadistic game of survival.  And it is not from all of the alcohol that they are drinking.

A climber killed his friends when the rope holding them was about to fray from the weight.  He decided to cut the trailing rope to kill his friends rather than have all of them perish together.  The psychiatrist that is evaluating him, wants to study him for another year before he is released back into society.  The events that take place next might be a year later or they might be the next day.  All I know is that this killer is not yet ready to be released.

The killer manages to follow these kids to the lake house and he performs his own experiment of survival on them.  After the first girl is killed, a video is played to explain the rules of the experiment.  If they all leave right then, they all will be killed.  If more than one person is alive at 6am, they all will be killed.  The object is to be the last one, and only one, alive at 6am.  He wants to see if their survival instincts surface.

One of the guys lets his emotions take over rather quickly after his best friend gets clamped by severe tire damage spikes.  He also kills his step sister after he determines that he wants to be the last one standing.  He dies along with the "fat" guy.  The remaining girls are pitted against one another because they both love the same boy, who also now happens to be the last boy standing.  Shots are fired, throats are strangled, abdomens are stabbed, and you have one survivor left at 6am.

It's a pretty good plot and I did like how there was not too much set up to the story.  I don't know what the story was lacking, but I felt that it lacked something.  Maybe more interaction with the killer, I don't know.  Just something.

Overall, this is not that bad of a movie.  And we also have a Medusa's Face alumni, from Weirdsville, Taryn Manning.  This movie still needed more gore or some gratuitous nudity.  Something.  This is going to kill me to try and figure out what this movie lacked.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 sunken boats.

The Bone Snatcher

Eland Mining Enterprises has a location in the Namib Desert in Africa and they are searching for diamonds.  In the desert.  I can't stress that enough.  And along with the compound in the desert, they also have a nest of ants.  Buy not just any ants.  These ants ... well, ... you have to see it to believe it.

 

Dr. Zack Straker (Scott Bairstow - also in Alien Apocolypse) is sent to the desert to help the mining company.  I forget why he is sent there.  First he is in Vancouver keeping a research facility from exploding and then in Africa.  I'll bet he racked up some serious frequent flyer miles though.  Anyway, .. he gets to the facility in Africa and becomes part of a rescue mission to find three prospectors who have not called in for a while.  The reason that they have not called in is because they are dead.  One of the guys opened up this ant nest and SPOILER ALERT all three were consumed by the ants.

 

But this is the kicker.  The ants don't just immediately rip the flesh from your bones.  They use your bones to make a large walking creature to move about the desert.  I am not sure how this behavior came into play, but then again, I am not an ant.  So the rescue team go out to look for the prospectors and while they are out, they need to be rescued when their truck has an electrical problem.  Sitting around their dead vehicle, they send out a distress call that gets an airplane fly over.  It will take at least two days for the next rescue mission to reach the first rescue mission.  "We have supplies.  They'll send a truck.  We'll get a tan.  Better than working."  Really?  Something tells me that they will get more than a tan.  And I am right.

 

They get attacked by the ant creature and foolishly go following it to try and kill it.  Shooting the ants has not proved a good solution and they can't really round them up in the open desert.  Conveniently, they come across an abandoned mine shaft where they use some nitro-glycerin to blow up the mine.  And even more conveniently, the queen is sitting in the open for them to stab.  Bravo.

 

I had a hard time wanting to finish this movie.  The story takes a long time to set up, but as soon as the story started to pick up, the movie ended.  I have no idea why they had to show the scene in Canada.  It had no relevance to the story whatsoever.  I might not ever say this again, but I was hoping to see more of the large ant creature in the movie.

 

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 subterranean analyzers

Croc

A very large crocodile is taking out locals and tourists in a small town in Thailand.  And when I say large, I am talking twenty feet worth of large.  Michael Madsen (a.k.a. Mr. Blonde from Reservoir Dogs) has come to help capture and kill the crocodile.  In this movie, Michael Madsen is Croc Hawkins, the croc hunter.

 

Jack McQuade runs an amusement park that showcases crocodiles and elephant soccer.  A contractor wants Jack's property and is trying everything to take the land from him.  He has tried all sorts of tactics to get the land, even buying a seat on the city council.  When reports start coming in about the crocodile murders, he frames Jack to try and get the land.

 

But the crocodile that is is eating the people is not from Jack's park.  It is a much larger one that Croc Hawkins has been tracking for some time.  It takes a long time to set up and lots of terrible shots of a normal sized crocodile before the crocodile is finally dealt with.

 

There are several silly moments in the movie worth mentioning.  A chase scene in the movie where a guy is trying to kill Jack's sister by running her down.  To prevent from being killed, Jack's sister and her companion fall to the ground and the SUV drives right over them.  Not to say that being hit by this SUV could not have accomplished the intended mission, but being able to clear the bodies would probably not be that effective.  Another silly moment involves the scene after the contractor is killed by the large croc in his own swimming pool.  It is not the scene of the body parts floating in the pool, but rather the scene with the contractors' wife.  Who not only doesn't seem to care that her husband has been killed, but almost smirks that he was killed.

 

Gore at a minimum, horrible acting, and some of the worst overlay video with a crocodile paired with some scuba divers.  This movie is not even good for a laugh.

 

I give this movie 0 out of 5 scooters.

Solar Attack

REPENT!!!

The sun is one fiery ball of anger and it is taking it out on Earth.  You can have all the digital sharks and digital demons you want.  Somehow, there is a way to defeat them.  Try taking on the sun.  Game over, man.  Game over.

Not really.

Looks like our friend Mark Dacascos is back on Medusa's Face again.  You may remember him from I Am Omega or Alien Agent.  This time, he is billionaire Dr. Lucas Foster, who has left the Solar and Near Earth Laboratory to begin Foster Industries.  Foster Industries is sending a man into the out limits of the atmosphere to study ozone depletion and collect data on harmful gases.  But because of a large amount of CME (Corona Mass Ejection) occurrences from the sun, his new $100 million dollar space plane is destroyed.

There are other CME activity that have taken out probes and satellites, along with several direct hits on the Earth.  Even scrambling fighter jets to shoot down the death projectiles is only a temporary solution.  New Zealand gets removed from the planet after getting hit with debris that engulfs the entire country in flames.  Pretty scary stuff, if you ask me.  But there is a solution.  Blow up the polar ice caps to push as much water vapor into the air as possible to keep the atmosphere from burning up.

This is comical to me.  It seems that the writers wanted to make a statement about how pollution is destroying the ozone layer and to combat this anomaly, the ice caps must be destroyed.  I love it.

No gore at all to speak of, and no real violence to speak of either.  The main villain is either the sun or every person who has ever contributed to the ozone depletion.  I don't know.  But I do know that this far fetched B movie plot is very silly.  There is not enough content to keep you watching and it ends with the three people that helped save the day wasting tax payer money to have lunch with the president.  At least the president is Louis Gossett Jr., so that is pretty cool.

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 Galileo space vehicles.

Cabin Fever

There is not too much normal on this vacation for these five college kids.  Sure they drink and have sex, that much is expected.  But I doubt that they expected to be consumed by a flesh eating virus.  Becuase who plans for that?

A camper kills a (very stiff) rabbit and brings it back to his tent to cook it up for him and his dog.  But his dog is dead and when the man investigates further, he has blood squirted on him from the dog.  I need to mention this, because that man is now the carrier of the flesh eating virus that will be critical to the story.

The five college kids head off to their cabin in the woods.  First stop is at the local store for supplies.  And they are greeted by a long haired boy biting one of the college guys.  Nice boy.  He's a good boy, ... sure.  The kids arrive at the cabin and tow of them immediately have sex.  The others go off for a swim and the big fellow, Bert, goes off to shoot some squirrels.  "Why would you want to kill squirrels?"  "Because they're gay."  "Don't be a retard."  "I'm kidding, I don't care if they are straight or gay."  That brilliant exchange is one of the few to look forward to in this movie.

The camper from earlier finds the kids and they see that he is sick.  After turning him away, for fear of catching what he has, they have to beat him with a baseball bat after he vomits blood inside their truck.  Then they set him on fire.  On fire, he runs to the lake and now his disease is in the water supply.  Now, not only are these college kids going to get sick, the whole town will too.

One by one, the kids get infected and it brings out the worst in each of them.  Karen, the first infected, just wants to leave and get help.  The others don't want to get infected and pretty much sign her death certificate.

Because the "killer" in this movie is a virus, it a) can't be seen when attacking its vicitm, b) is introduced to the victim at any time during the movie, and c) can be in varying degrees for each victim.  It just takes so long to set up this tragedy.  The ending is worth it.  Or at least, right before the ending.  Shovel to a head, shotgun blasts, screwdriver in the ear.  It's where all of the mayhem happens.  Oh, and I almost forgot about the guy getting a harmonica rammed down his throat.

This is an okay B movie.  Nothing to make me watch it again, but worth one veiwing.

I give this movie 1 out of 5 viles of fox urine.

Axe

I thought that the title of this movie was Axe, but it might be Greed.  I am not sure why this is listed under two different titles, but this is not the first time that this has occurred on Medusa's Face.  Luke Perry was in a movie called Silent Venom, which was also listed as Sea Snakes.  So what are we to do, right?

Okay, now that the title of this movie has been discussed, let us get to the meat of it.

Let me just say that this movie is one of those classic B movies that could have used a lot more of everything.  The basic plot of the movie is that an axe wielding maniac has escaped prison and is on the loose.  The sheriff and his deputies are trying to locate the former inmate to return him back to his prison cell.  The axe man is named Ivan and he is one tough cookie to bring down.

Meanwhile, the two main women of the movie are off having a little adventure of their own.  From rock climbing, to motorbike riding, to stealing money from a pack of thieves.  They are out there having their own brand of recklessness.  These two women steal the money and it seems that everyone in the area knows about the money and is trying to get it for themselves.

While everyone is going after the money, Ivan sits back and carves up everyone.  But the kill scenes are some of the weakest and most laughable.  Ivan pulls back the axe and then the next scene is someone with a gash across their chest.  Pathetic at best.

And speaking of pathetic, ....  And let me first say that if the actors would have taken my suggestion, the movie would have ended a lot sooner than it did.  But if you are able to pin the axe murderer against a wall with a truck and you have a gun pointed at him while you check his pockets for car keys, why not put a sunroof in his skull right there?  I mean, he is pinned up against a wall and you have the gun.  Even if you miss, you can shoot him again.

There are a few plot twists and a totally unnecessary sex scene between the sheriff and the doctor lady helping with the capture of Ivan.  And by the looks of this review, you might think that I would pan this movie.  But this is a classic.  Add in some extra gore or maybe have some gratuitous nudity added in there and you would have a must-see movie.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 pink motorbike helmets.

Beyond Sherwood Forest

As far as a story goes, this movie has a pretty good one.  Most people are familiar with Robin Hood, add in a beast that can also take on human form and Robin Hood's tale changes.  Robin Hood still robs the rich and gives to the poor, but he now he has a creature from an enchanted forest to figure out.

It is 1174 in England and three horse riders have come in contact with a winged beast.  After one of the men fall, the other two find a woman in the forest.  One man, Malcolm (Julian Sands - from Warlock), notices that the woman is injured and so he stabs her.  He must have some sort of intuition, because he recognizes her as the beast.  Only, she does not die from her wounds.  She bleeds but does not die.  He believes that this could be a great weapon and when the other man wants to seek the council of the king, Malcolm kills the other man.

Little did he know that the other man's son was watching what took place.

Fast forward about 15 years.  Robin Hood is stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.  Nothing out of the ordinary here.  The story lingers on for a bit and finally Robin Hood has to go to the Dark Forest to get advice from the Keepers of the Trees.

After that, the story moves along until Robin Hood faces off with Malcolm.  The winged creature doesn't play as big of a role in the ending as I had hoped, but she does rip a henchman in half.  That's about the only real violence (digital or otherwise) in the whole movie.  I was expecting more from the creature.

Overall, the story moved along rather nicely.  There was not a lot of jumping from scene to scene like so many other B movies that I have watched recently.  But for a movie that added in the digital creature to a pretty famous storyline, they didn't use it to their advantage.  The glowing grapes needed to kill the creature was real quick in coming out too.  Not to say that it was too quick, but attaining the grapes proved to be a little easier than I had anticipated.

I give this movie 1 1/2 out of 5 removed hearts.

The Storm

This plot is right out of Evil Villain 101, "Control the Weather, Control the World."  But the real reason I watched this movie is because it has two Medusa's Face alumni.  James Van Der Beek (Eye of the Beast) and Luke Perry (Sea Snakes).  Who wouldn't want to watch this one?  Okay, .. dumb question.

 

The Storm is such a long movie, that they had to make it into two parts.  Thankfully (or not), I was able to view this movie in its entirety.  They probably could have shortened the movie by taking out some of the personal story elements, but it gave this movie heart.  And if you had a heart, you would want those stories to be told.

 

Robert Terrell is partnered up with General Wilson Braxton for "Operation Rainbow".  Too bad it couldn't have been named "Operation Double Rainbow".  Anyhow, "Operation Rainbow" is a weather manipulator that can bring rain to deserts and warmth to frozen areas of the world.  It is still in the testing phase and Dr. Kirk (James Van Der Beek) notices that there is a problem.  Terrell wants the project to remain on course, but Kirk thinks that he should shut it down.  Kirk's morals win out and he quits.  The project goes on.  And with the help of Dr. Jack Hoffman, a hole is torn into the fabric of the atmosphere that causes severe weather all over the world.

 

Nearly every time that Dr. Jack tries to solve the problem, he creates a bigger hole that forms more severe weather.  It's not until Dr. Kirk is tricked by Stillman (Luke Perry) that the solution to the problem is conceived.  But Stillman works for Terrell and he only wanted the solution to save the government contract.  Dr. Kirk eventually saves the day with his solution and the people involved with "Operation Rainbow" are killed.

 

Bottom line: Don't bother.  I was hoping for more mayhem from the storms, but instead I got a lot of split screens for phone calls.  One of the funnier things about this movie was when a code 6047 was called into the ambulance.  A code 6047 is when a homeless man is stuck in a tree.  Those people must have a code for everything.

 

I give this movie 1/2 our of 5 electromagnetic wave pulses.

Rise of the Gargoyles

For a city with such history, you would think that Paris would want to preserve as many buildings as it could.  A religious building would probably be a no brainer, but the French are determined to tear down the Saint Jean Andre Church.  It turns out to be a poor decision because now, a gargoyle is unleashed on the city.

 

The mid-1800's church is being demolished.  Prior to the church being torn down, professor Jack Randall and his associate, Carol, go to observe some of the architecture of the building at night.  The facility is not protected at night after two workers were killed (by the gargoyle) and spooked the rest of laborers.  Pictures are not the only things taken at the site.  Video, which is damaged when Jack runs out of the catacombs below the church, along with some items taken by Carol.  Little did Carol know at the time, but she took a gargoyle egg.  HEY!  They have to reproduce somehow.

 

Don't worry, Carol is decapitated for taking the egg.  Now that you are at ease, and several buckets of fake blood thrown, the inspector who is covering the case believes that Jack is the real killer and that he is trying to cover it up.  Meanwhile, Jack goes to a television channel to try and see if they can recover the video.  Not exactly a reputable news station either.

 

The gargoyle who has been asleep for 1,000 years, has woken and has a craving for human flash.  I don't know the population of Paris, but thank goodness that the gargoyle decided to attack the people related to this movie.  From the crazed priest who is questionable with his practices to the thin solution to the gargoyle problem, you will wonder why you ever bothered to sit down and watch this movie.  Although, we do have at least one Medusa's Face alumni in this movie.  Eric Balfour from Dinoshark.

 

I give this movie 1 out of 5 gargoyle eggs.

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy

I don't know if it is good or bad that I do not read the plot summary on these movies before I watch them.  By looking at the title, I would have thought that a group of hammerhead sharks got together and started terrorizing a group of college kids or something like that.  But, I would have been totally wrong.  This movie is about the genetic alteration of a man's genes spliced with the genes of a hammerhead shark to try to cure disease and put humans into the oceans.

 

Before I get started, let me just say, "Oh c'mon, man!"

 

The evil scientist who has enough money to buy an island, build a research facility there, and also able to employ several security personnel, is experimenting with the DNA of his son.  The scientist is mad at the owner of the research facility that he was fired from and has invited him and several other guests to come to the island to see the progress that he has made with his experiments.  So far, so good.

 

Things take a turn for the worst when the scientist decides to kill all of his guests and use them as food for the sharkman that he has created.  The guests escape via the convenience of the vent fan that happens to have a ladder next to it too.  Inevitably, the guests are killed off by the sharkman or otherwise.   Shocker there, I know.

 

The thing that killed me was the head of IT, Tom (played by William Forsythe).  For a guy who is in charge of the IT Department, he is not what you would expect.  He is a take charge kind of guy.  I suppose dating Hunter Tylo made him a little more aggressive.  However, any way that you slice it, this movie is a stinker.  Buckets of fake blood thrown against a tree do not count as a moment of fear.  The explosions at the end of the movie must have been the bulk of the budget.  Some explosions are real, some are digital.  It is just not enough "wow" factor for me.

 

I give this movie 1/2 out of 5 microscopes powerful enough to see the individual strands of DNA.

Beneath Still Waters

This movie is an adaptation from a novel.  It says so right in the beginning of the movie.  I'll never read the book after seeing this movie.

The story is not that bad.  In 1965, an evil man by the name of Mordecai Salas has learned black magic and has begun taking over the town of Marienbad, Spain.  In order to combat the evil that Salas is spreading, the town is flooded when a new dam is put into operation.  But before the town is flooded, two boys go playing in the town and one boy unknowingly sets Salas free.  And the boy pays with his life when Salas rips his head apart at the jaw.

Fast forward 40 years.

The town is going to celebrate the Debaria Dam and the mayor does not want anything to get in the way of the celebration.  So when a man drowns in the lake, it is deemed an accident.  But we know different.  There is a funny part of this scene when the blond (Susana) comes out of the water after a swim and has been entangled by some black seaweed, she immediately grabs her cigarettes.  I don't know why I thought that was funny, but I did.

A photojournalist, Dan Quarry, arrives into town.  Not to photograph the celebration, but to photograph the town that was flooded.  Some odd occurances happen and Dan is forced into helping with save the town.  And he does.  And everybody is happy.

The gore doesn't happen until very late in the movie when the town reverts back to its evil ways and a police officer performs some self mutilation.  As he hobbles along, he shouts, "You're under arrest!" to a woman trying to locate her daughter.  It's weak at best.

For the most part, I enjoyed the movie.  The story moved along well, but there were some scenes that could have been avoided.  The movie also could have used a bit more needless violence for my taste as well.  The nudity was at a minimum.  Susana is so broken up about her friend Antonio drowning, that she decides to get nude and have "one last swim together" with him.  He comes out of the water and chews through her neck.  Just like she wanted.

I give this movie 2 out of 5 Captain Lightning comic books.

Autopsy

There are several things that I liked about this movie.  The senseless, brutal, over-the-top violence is up there with some of the best B movies out there.  Add in the Terminator T-1000 (Patrick Harris) and Band of Brothers, Cpl. Joseph Liebgott (Ross McCall) to the mix and now we've got ourselves a movie.

Guess what, ... some college aged friends go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.  I know.  I'm terrified too.  After they leave the French Quarter (drunk), they have a little car accident on state route 53 in "Somewhere in Louisiana".  The accident involves them running over a man and even though they conveniently have no cell phones that work, an ambulance arrives immediately to take them to Mercy Hospital.  According to the movie, Mercy has been closed for three years.

The kids have to wait their turn to be examined.  But it's less of an examination and more of an organ harvest.  You see, the doctor in charge is harvesting organs to attempt to keep his wife alive.  Predicably, a few of the friends get taken away and items get removed from thier bodies without anaesthetic.  What is not predictable is when a naked man jumps on one of the girls and expells all of his organ on her.  Then after getting up from that mess, she gets punched in the face.  Like I said earlier, brutal and over-the-top violence.

You have to wait a pretty long time before hearing, "Bleed out, bitch," from the main character, Emily.  It's lines like that one that makes my heart sing.  The ending is weak, but after having a meat cleaver put into the face of the doctor's dying wife, I guess you can give it a pass.

Buckets of blood, body parts everywhere, and a mentally disturbed man of medicine.  Everything you want or need for a classic B movie.  Except for the male nudity.  What was up with that?

I give this movie 3 1/2 out of 5 mechanical skull drills.